Hipster drug addict only shoots cold brew heroin


In a day and age where so many young drug users are turning away from traditional mainstays like crack and methamphetamine in favor of exotic and experimental alternatives, one smack addict is bringing heroin into the millennial era.

Heroin, an opioid compound also known by the chemical name diamorphine, has always been a contentious and sometimes even taboo subject among the drug community. This is largely owing to the unpredictable, often deadly results of its misuse. In addition, heroin can often be cut with a variety of other harmful substances, ranging from far more potent synthetic analogs to strychnine and cattle de-wormer. As a result, even the most daring of weekend warriors are reticent to bang the white china cat for fear of an overdose.

Enter Clark Fenton, a self described hipster and dope fiend startup mogul. Frustrated with the poor quality of skag he was purchasing from the dark web, Fenton enrolled in a chemistry class at his local community college to try and find a solution. “What you have to understand is that when you’re melting down tar on your smack spoon, you’re also melting down anything else that’s mixed in with it and it’s all going into your veins,” Fenton says. “But what I found was that if you cold brew your heroin, letting it dissolve slowly in cold water before filtering out that solution to remove unwanted adulterants, you get much purer, healthier junk.”

Since his breakthrough discovery, Fenton has converted his kitchen into a combination laboratory-and-heroin bar specializing in his unique cold brew dope. Customers can purchase pre-brewed heroin in tall, grande, and venti-sized syringes to nod off with at the chill, cigarette-smoke-filled café area, or buy a bag to take home for later. The bar, which features needles and elastic bands made of all recycled material and deals only locally sourced heroin, has been a huge hit among neighborhood youth, many of whom report feeling far more relaxed and rejuvenated after shooting a couple milligrams of that sweet, sweet cold brew brown sugar. Says Fenton: “This isn’t just a new way to enjoy H, this is the new way to enjoy it.”

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