Trump finally lowers golf handicap

Photo by Angus Murray, Golf Magazine

November 25, 2017- During a White House press conference following a slew of sexual assault allegations against multiple Republican and Democratic politicians, President Trump made a rare appearance to field reporters’ questions. When one member of the press corps asked, "Mr. President, in the wake of multiple natural disasters and mass shootings, mounting international tensions, the investigation into your campaign’s possible collusion with Russia, and a plethora of top government officials accused of gross sexual misconduct, what do you have to say to those doubting the efficacy of your administration?" the president slicked his hair back, almost ripping the toupee off in the process, leaned into the microphone and stated,

"Since you asked, look, I’ll tell you: I finally dropped my golf handicap down to a four. You know, one less than a five. It’s very good, great playing on my part.”

Ever since Hurricane Harvey struck back in August of 2017, the President’s cabinet has been hard at work, discussing possible ways to restore the confidence of their constituent and, more importantly, how President Trump could take two strokes off his golf game. Expending no time, the cabinet, working with Congress, finally got their priorities straight and decided to put their repeal of Obamacare and disaster relief bills on the back burner while focusing at the task at hand.

Over the next few months, despite growing unrest on both sides of the political spectrum over the seeming inaction of the government, GOP leaders worked tirelessly with President Trump, drilling his putting, spending long days at the driving range, and even massaging his tired, failing limbs after hours of practice, all leading up to his USGA handicap review.

News organizations expected such a move may have been coming when, following the Sutherland Springs shooting in Texas, President Donald Trump tweeted, “Prayers for the victims of this national tragedy. Let's hope their names don't go in vain by finally landing that birdie on hole 7." Other political analysts suggested that Trump’s visit to Asia, in which he played golf with top Japanese officials, may have had less to do with foreign policy and more to do with brushing up his short game.

To finally put his newly adjusted handicap into action, President Donald Trump has announced he’ll be spending the weekend in Bedminster for a desperately needed vacation. "It’s only natural he takes this time to himself" said Mike Pence, current vice president in an interview with the press, "We of all people should know that the President needs a weekend of relaxing and goofing off in Jersey from all the relaxing and goofing off he's been doing in the White House."

At time of writing the President could be seen offering to help a young intern with her swing.

Write for The Squirrel

We always welcome new writers and thinkers so send us ideas, articles, headlines, comics, or any other satire your brain had cooked up while you read. 

Comment on The Squirrel

Share your thoughts, whatever they may be, with the writers, editors, and creators of The Squirrel. 

Join The Squirrel

SU students are welcome to join us! E-mail us through our contact page for the latest meeting info.

Please reload


The articles and comics on this website are satirical and are intended as humorous commentary. Articles and artwork belong to their respective authors.

This site was designed with the
website builder. Create your website today.
Start Now