VAMPIRE BLOWJOBS SUCK: A critique of the cultural damages of liberalism and its socioeconomic ramifi


We live in an age where sexuality, the traditional domain of dominant, god-fearing men, has been occupied by the likes of the “feminazi,” those “liberal elites” claiming to care about “human decency.” We’ve entered a hypersensitive state, in which the American population is being bled dry by a previously unimaginable scourge of vampiric blowjobs.

Long gone are the days where we could rest easy knowing that we were only being drained of our semen; constant vigilance is required, and even then, the craftiest of sucking succubae may still make off with your vital fluids – made bold by the safety created for them under the evergrowing, communistic eye of the left. In order to combat this threat, we must first come to know our enemy, and by that understanding take back that inalienable right to protection from this unreasonable intimate search and unholy seizure granted to us by the Creator and secured by our forefathers.

Back in the days when America was great, and my dick still worked, a man could rest easy knowing that if someone began to get too toothy with his dick in their mouth, it was his place to immediately make the slightest bit of his discomfort unavoidably known, securing his right to a safe and pleasurably fellated experience. We make that extra thirty cents because we deserve it, just as we deserve access to a smooth throating as desired. Today the feminists have decimated the population, rendered what were once a proud sect of patriarchal gods a bunch of weak, cunnilingus-offering pussies. When a vampire digs its fangs into the thick, juicy, pink, pulsating veins, of a throbbing hunk of man-mutton, the telltale sign which should alert the victim to the present danger is the feeling of having your cock bitten. But now, a population of men is not only used to having their vicars put through the cheese grater-like, lazy jaws of an entitled feminist, but have been oppressed into a fear of speaking out. The vampires have realized this, to disastrous results. Since 2008, dick-based drainings have risen to record levels and the American economy has been plummeting in a downward spiral.

When vampires first began to immigrate to this great country they were welcomed with open arms and no more race-based hostility than any other eastern European immigrants, and it was on their backs that the American economy was built. Hundreds of thousands of red-blooded patriots made an honest living happily enthralled by these vampires in various degrees of semizombified states. Transporting coffins, lighting and carrying candelabras, dry-cleaning frock coats, luring buxom vixens: all good, respectable, blue collar jobs. And the reason it was all sustainable – and seemed to form a solid basis for the economy of the global hegemon – was because the vampires had to put out an honest effort to do the enslaving as well. Once they realized that the American people were gullible enough to lie respectfully through the painful oral stimulation of a body part which amounts to a literal blood sausage, that equilibrium was thrown off, creating a state of selfish vampires lining their own blood banks, and bringing the job market crashing down with it.

Things may seem bleak, but fear not! The conditions have never been riper to bring about the downfall of American liberalism, and with it, this new terrifying reality of vampiric-based economic depression. Not since the days preluding the Civil War have there been so many chances to place dangerously conservative minds in public office. Those happy few, that band of brothers so deeply entrenched in the ideology of yesterday that they could not possibly be brought under the sway of this liberal spell, are the obvious and final solution to our despair.

Screw your courage to the sticking place and resist the feminist, liberal, socialist, communist, ideologies that have paved the way for elite, entitled vampires to take advantage of the American people– vote conservative if you want to turn back the tide of progress and ejaculate in peace, resting easy with the knowledge that your penis is safe from harm.

Anthony Wojciechowsky is the Presidential Fellow at the Van Helsing School of Modern Vampirology and Chair of Fellated Studies.

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