University President Sees Shadow: Six Weeks of Finals to Come


SELINSGROVE, PA - These past few weeks marked the passing of everyone’s favorite pseudo-holiday: Jon Green Day. Once again, the beloved bowtie-connoisseur-turned-clairvoyant saw his shadow after being lifted from the roof of his manor, marking an extra six weeks of finals.

Students are justifiably mortified by Green’s prediction.

“I can’t believe it,” exclaimed junior April Toomes. “I can’t even go a single day of finals without having a nervous breakdown. How am I supposed to make it six weeks?”

The university has assured students that despite what Green’s shadow says, finals are still slated for just one week. Despite this reassurance, many of those who fervently believe the president’s annual predictions are still panicking.

“Of course I believe we’re getting six more weeks of finals,” said sophomore Jared Reits. “He said the same thing last year and finals DEFINITELY felt like they took six weeks. Or was that just all the LSD I did? Eh, doesn’t matter.”

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