How to Make Your Kids Gay

In this day and age, gay is in fashion. Being gay is the new black (although the phrase “____ is the new black” doesn’t really make a lot of sense, now does it? Who wants to be black?). Gays are everywhere! And oh-so-talented and multicultural! Why not have your gay best friend/hairdresser/outfit consultant/personal confidant for relationship troubles/tag-along pet to bars and clubs be your very own child, forever attached to you?

For mothers, this is obviously ideal, but what about the fathers out there? Of course, this benefits you as well, as having a gay child will only show what a great father you are in being able to overcome the obstacles and accept your child.

As do most things in life, this self-help guide only applies to the sons of your life - sorry to all the parents of would-be lesbians, but being gay is only cool if it’s male. Otherwise it’s just a girl going through a fetishized phase. Better try for a boy! So, let’s begin!

Step 1

Force heteronormality down the fragile throat of your child

When they realize they’re gay, they’ll feel all the angst, guilt and shame that all the gay children go through! This is to create an authentic growth of gayness. You want your child to organically choose to be gay, all on their own, because in the end, this is a choice. But that doesn’t mean you can’t nudge them in the right direction.

A good way to scare them away from heterosexual relationships for the rest of their fabulous little lives is to have sex with your partner right on the couch in the living room. It isn’t even necessary that you do it with your spouse; in fact, exposing your child to forms of toxic and unfaithful heterosexual relationships might even work better!

Step 2

Set impossibly high standards of masculinity for your child, and then berate them for not reaching those standards by labeling them as “weak” and a “queer”

This requires some tact, because you don’t want to overdo it and come out with a hypermasculine child with a superiority complex. You just want the right combination of “not feeling man enough” and “I still want to rebel against the heteroagenda being shoved down my throat.”

One recommendation could be punishing your child for getting beat up at school by the bully that will inevitably torment your child. And don’t forget to emasculate!

Step 3

Mix and match the roles of motherhood and fatherhood

Like mixing stripes with polka dot patterns (a free fashion tip for all our readers, courtesy of my very own gay nephew), this may sound cryptic, but let me explain. Lots of people have lots of theories about what makes people gay, and many of them cite father/ mother issues as where it stems from. So, feel free to spit out a couple of sons and do an extended experiment on what works.

Overbearing mother, stoic and manly father, neglectful mother, henpecked father? Variety is the spice of life, so feel free to have fun with it! DISCLAIMER: This guide is also referred to as “How to Make Your Kid Hate You and Possibly Become a Serial Killer.” We are not responsible for any undesired outcomes for those who choose to follow this guide

Step 4

Set up chances for crossdressing, but don’t overdo it or you’ll end up with a kid who wants to be trans

This is just is taking it much too far. Trans kids are a no-go. That’s just … gross! I mean, as if being gay wasn’t enough, now you have to accept your child as wanting to be the opposite (and yes, I mean only the opposite) sex/ gender/whatever? It’ll probably take a couple more decades before trans culture becomes fashionable. Sure, we’ve appropriated some phrases from drag culture, but let’s be honest.

Homosexuality is just now becoming cool, which won’t last very long, so you better hop on this bandwagon now and pop out some baby boys! And then leave your closets open and your makeup on the dresser, but make sure they don’t continue to dress up into adulthood!

Step 5

Confuse your child for life

Showering them with arbitrary and superficial affection while simultaneously gaslighting them into doing things so you can manipulate or blame them to satisfy your own sick need for the vindication you never received as a child, will undoubtedly warp their sense of self and identity by shattering their esteem one second and building it up the next.

Also, if your child somehow resists these methods and tries to remain a boring heterosexual, just invoke what those conversion camps do to homosexual kids sent there, but reversed! Force them to watch gay porn. Brainwashing never hurts when used for the benefit of many.

Happy child-rearing!

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