“Yeah, We’re Due for Another Big One,” Nation States

Lack of shooting victims who matter to Americans striking

As April draws to a close, speculation season is in full swing, as there has yet to be another shooting to make national headlines. The recent lack of shocking massacres claiming the lives of populations that the American public cares about, that is to say, white, Aryan, children, has sparked intrigue among citizens as they wonder when and where tragedy will strike next.

“Yeah, I mean it’s really only a matter of time, things have been too good for too long,” said local citizen Justin Teeme. “I’m sure something might have happened recently, something that I would have held as utterly deplorable, sickening, and that might have even moved me to action, but it certainly hasn’t happened to a demographic that, as an American, I consider historically valuable and boy, am I just getting nervous waiting for the next big, unpreventable thing.”

As a surprising lack of legislature has been set in place to protect citizens since the last time dozens of people were indiscriminately slaughtered (more specifically, dozens of citizens the public at large actually considers people), the door remains open for anyone to gun for the highly coveted title “Most Fucked in the Head: The Las Vegas Memorial Award.” In order to steal the title away, a prospective psychopath must be willing to claim more than 59 innocent lives in a way which Americans find just engaging enough to notice.

“It’s kind of like a high-stakes game of Clue. My bet is an unstable white kid, in an elementary school, with an AR-15,” offered armed teacher Wanda Bouddis. “My beautiful, white, western European-descended, Christian class is getting more anxious by the day. Sure, there have been atrocities motivated by unprecedented waves of nationalism, but at its core that’s as American as apple pie. If my poor kids weren’t already so mentally damaged from the intense amount of cyberbullying they put each other through, I would swear waiting for an indiscriminate killer to procure military-grade weapons with little to no challenge was driving them insane!”

Experts caution that while threats to marginalized communities are at an all time high, thoughts and prayers must be reserved for such a time as when demographics who matter die.

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