Study Suggests Men May Not Enjoy Rape


In a startling and controversial new study published this month, it was posited that it may be possible men do not necessarily enjoy being raped, despite the sexual nature of the act and their well-established carnal nature. The study was based on data collected from “every man who has ever been raped,” which according to the authors, is to say every man who has ever come forward about being raped. The study seems to challenge everything we think we know about the male population and their proclivity to enjoy any remotely sexual interaction, and the scientists behind the publication were quick to defend their conclusions.

“We realize that on the surface the report is very jarring, but we want to be clear that our conclusions are purely hypothetical at this point,” said lead author Dr. Ernie Hemingway, scientist and Title IX coordinator at Fuknell University. “The data is collected from a sample of ‘men’ who came forward to report alleged rapes, which in itself seems contradictory to their classification as male,” the doctor offered. “Under no circumstances would we normally consider these individuals who do not derive pleasure from what frankly amounts to a courtesy from the female involved to be strictly ‘male.’ But so many of these subjects are fathers, scholars, athletes, and other notably masculine figures, so we find ourselves in really a very fascinating and complex situation.”

The study goes on to suggest that men who are forced into sexual acts by women may even be susceptible to the side effects of the incident as regularly reported by female subjects following a non-consensual encounter. “We have reports of lasting physical and emotional trauma, as well as extended impacts on the ability of the individual to function properly within society; all very distinctly feminine results,” remarked lab technician Dr. John Dep with a cocked eyebrow and a perplexed look.

Despite the seemingly profound nature of their work, the authors behind the study were very careful to limit their conclusions.

“This is by no means meant to be accepted as conclusive evidence. It was only last year we were able to conclude that women could be raped, we need to be careful not to get ahead of ourselves,” Hemingway explained. “Furthermore, we can be very certain that this hypothesis would only apply to straight men who were ‘raped,’ in the strictest sense of the term, by women. The homosexuals are undeniably more lascivious by nature and prone to these types of non-consensual outbursts, and thereby immune to any ill effects.”

When asked to comment, the 2.78 million men who took part in the study since 1998 simply shrugged their shoulders and put on a brave face, with many going on to contribute to the 33% of rape victims to contemplate suicide and even joining the 13% who make an attempt.

*Statistics: rainn.org, suicide.org

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