The Woke-ender


TRAX

Friday, 5/31: The Committee of Student Activities’ annual I Wanna Get Lucky party is back! Get ready to put the “college” in “college party” with informative party games that will teach you how to get the most out of your Friday nights. Activities will include traditional drinking contests, Sex-Offender Jeopardy, and Pin-the-Stigma-On-the-Victim.

EVENT PROGRAMMING

Friday, 5/31: The Career Development Center will be hosting a seminar called “How to Keep the Party Going After College.” In the last year, many significant figures in big business, Hollywood, even our own government have faced sexual assault allegations for crimes they committed decades prior as college-age adults. This two hour program is designed to teach students the basics of keeping their skeletons comfortably locked away in the closet. Remember, we may all know what goes on here on campus now, but the rest of America doesn’t have to!

CHARLIE’S COFFEEHOUSE

Thurs., 5/29: Darcy’s Awesome Sticky Buns and Pretzels! - 8 p.m. Come on down and enjoy a sticky bun while male employees shower you with uncomfortable innuendos and inappropriate jokes about your “buns”. The guy seated next to you will suggestively lick his lips while offering to “twist you up like a pretzel”, much to your chagrin. You’ll only eat half of what you ordered before leaving after the guy offers to buy you a drink in exchange for something sweet from you.

TRANSPORTATION

The Shopping Shuttle runs every Saturday, continuously from 1-6 p.m. As the weather continues to get warmer, the bus driver will leer at you in your shorts and tank top. Feel free to look out the window at the Selinsgrove community to avoid catching the driver staring at you in their mirror. Also hope and pray internally that they won’t try to engage with you in conversation when you’re the only one on the bus, where you’ll have to be just polite enough to keep them at bay, but not too eager to be misconstrued as flirting. Finally sigh in relief when someone joins the bus after one of its stops.

Write for The Squirrel

We always welcome new writers and thinkers so send us ideas, articles, headlines, comics, or any other satire your brain had cooked up while you read. 

Comment on The Squirrel

Share your thoughts, whatever they may be, with the writers, editors, and creators of The Squirrel. 

Join The Squirrel

SU students are welcome to join us! E-mail us through our contact page for the latest meeting info.

Please reload

 

The articles and comics on this website are satirical and are intended as humorous commentary. Articles and artwork belong to their respective authors.

This site was designed with the
.com
website builder. Create your website today.
Start Now