Susquehanna University Emergency PSA: Campus-Wide Warning to All Female Students


After a massive campus-wide scavenger hunt to find the 2018 Clery Report for Susquehanna University, crucial data has been brought to light. Because any number of sexual offenses besides 0 is unacceptable, the administration at Susquehanna University and the Selinsgrove police are working together to combat this epidemic.

Here are some tips to protect yourself, and our upcoming plans to help create a safer campus:

  • Don’t talk to any men, or even go so far as to not talk to anyone. Anything you say could possibly entice men or trick men into thinking you’re flirting with them, which would mean you’re leading them on, which means you were pretty much asking for negative attention. Avoid having others jump to conclusions by taking an eternal vow of silence. Eventually this will be an enforced rule on our campus, which faculty will make sure to monitor in their classrooms.

  • As soon as the sun sets, DO NOT GO BACK OUTSIDE. Although it may be tempting to go outside in the evening, even if it’s just to go to the café to eat, do not be fooled by this false sense of safety. Assailants will use the cover of night to their advantage, and on a campus with such dim path lights as ours, this is the sacrifice you must take. Eventually SU will enforce a curfew that all female students will have to abide by.

  • Even as it gets warmer outside, you must cover yourself up as much as possible. Cover yourself from head to toe in opaque, shapeless clothing so possible attackers can’t even tell you’re a woman. This will also be enforced along the course of the school year, eventually becoming a dress code for all future female students. Furthermore, possibly invest in shaving your vocal cords so you sound more like a man, as men do not get sexually assaulted. In fact:

  • Consider saving up money to transform yourself into a man. Even if it’s just wearing men’s clothing and a fake beard, do what you must to prevent yourself from being assaulted.

  • If you find yourself outside in the dark without a proper disguise, do not attempt to use the blue lights, which are only placed as a deterrent to possible attackers, and are not for practical use. That is why they are placed so far and few between. Do not attempt to call Public Safety, as their singular vehicle does not promise swift arrival to your aid. Do attempt to cope with the fact that you’ll spend the rest of your life in constant fear and anxiety because you are on your own.

The best way to combat this issue is to prevent it entirely. If there is a scarcity of possible victims, the possibility of sexual assault and violence against women is certain to go down.

To all our female students, we implore you to avoid the possibility of sexual violence altogether by adhering to these tips and removing yourself from the public’s eye. Make yourself invisible. No one wants to be a victim.

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