Susquehanna University's satirical news source
October 31, 2019
Local kids everywhere are in an uproar this Halloween after it was discovered
that none of the apples given out to trick-or-treaters this year contained razorblades.
“This is bullshit!” ranted one of the professional trick-or-treaters affected by the
incident. “Apples are too safe! They don’t even fuck up your teeth. I need the danger in
my life! I need it! I need to feel the steel. It’s the only thing that gets me off anymore.”
“I just didn’t want the kids getting hurt!” claimed Mrs. Vagibbilly, an otherwise
sweet little old lady who also happened to be one of the fuckers who gave out healthy
shit for Halloween. “Actually,” she said, laughing, “the real reason is I got bored with it.
At first, the shrieks of lacerated children brought joy into my cold, cold life. No one wants
to fuck me anymore, you know, because of all the warts. But last year, the kids didn’t
even scream. The little shits are all used to it. I think some of them even enjoy it now.
They could have at least faked being in agony, but I guess they didn’t really care about
me after all. So I said fuck it, you get nothing this year. And it worked! Look how angry
they all are. God, I love it.”
Later, shortly after our interview, Mrs Vagibbily’s house burned down
mysteriously. A van belonging to the Halloween Party Council was seen leaving the
scene of the crime. However, police declined to investigate, opining that she probably
deserved it and was ugly anyway. Ugly people don’t deserve justice.
There were no survivors.
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