Susquehanna University's satirical news source
October 31, 2019
Matthew Bamman The Fifteenth
Local Selinsgrove man, John Whitteman, declares he isn’t racist, he just wants to avoid
all minorities at all costs.
“Yeah, I’m not racist,” commented Whitteman “I respect all ideologies and people of all
backgrounds. Except those God-damn Muslims. Those hijab wearing freaks. I swear if I see
another one of those God hating Muslims, I’m going to make them wish 9/11 never happened.”
Whitteman was seen reaching for his legally purchased AR-15 like a child holds a safety
blanket, which he somehow smuggled into the interview.
“And don’t get me started on those Mexicans. Taking all our damn jobs. What if I wanted
to clean toilets for a living??!!? Or harvest crops for really low costs?? Or work for minimal pay?
Okay I guess I don’t want to do any of those jobs, but GOD-DAMN this is AMERICA! IF I
WANT TO WORK LONG HOURS WITH NO PAY I SHOULD BE ABLE TO!”
Whitteman later apologized for this comment, stating that what he described was slavery,
and expanded on this point by saying: “Mexicans aren’t slaves. I love all people of color. My
best friend is half-Mexican.” Or Bolivian? He couldn’t recall.
“AND THESE FUCKING QUEER PEOPLE,” Whitteman continued in his rant. “WHAT
IN THE EVER-LOVING FUCK IS A TRANS PERSON??? I can live with lesbians and gay
couples, so long as they are a solid 50 feet away from me at all times. But trans people is where I
draw the line. If Selinsgrove ever held a ‘Pride Parade’ or whatever, and they start chanting slurs
like ‘Trans Rights!’ or ‘All People are Created Equal,’ well then I might just have to—”
Whitteman then pulled out a live grenade and motioned bowling the grenade on the
ground. A moment later he made a whoosh sound and an explosion with his hand, before
crossing his arms, symbolizing him hitting a strike.
“But yeah I love and respect everyone and their different backgrounds,” Whitteman
concluded his interview with. “I just wish we could all strive for world peace and a world
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