Susquehanna University's satirical news source
October 31, 2019
After the first week of classes, as well as a very useful weekend of basic socialization for
the freshmen, a speech was given by Dr. Keith E. Edwards about how to not sexually assault
others. Of course, this speech was intended for the freshmen who are new to the college
atmosphere and are not yet aware that unwanted groping and/or penetration is, in fact, assault.
Many athletic teams were also mandated to go, most likely because some athletes have trouble
not raping. Reasons for this may vary from increased testosterone to the grind never stopping.
Student athletes have an around the clock schedule and the grind simply does not allow adequate
time for consent. However, Dr. Edwards’ lecture explained how to make time for the word
“yes,” even for freshmen acclimating to the new environment and for athletes who are never
released from the grind’s grip.
However, the necessity for this speech was dubious to many in the crowd. One male
student expressed that the ‘one in five’ statistic for women who are survivors of sexual assault is
exaggerated. Judging by the number of young women who stood up to leave during the speech
due to PTSD episodes, the statistic would have to be more like one in six. Allen Kevin, one
freshman who had just made the football team, said “If I need to get consent even for making out
then I guess everyone I know is a rapist. I guess this is just another thing that people off the grind
Sadly, later that week an alleged groping occurred in Seibert Hall. The perpetrator is
described as “caucasian, brown-haired, and khakied.” The brunet male student body did not wear
khakis for the rest of that week.
Write for The Squirrel
We always welcome new writers and thinkers so send us ideas, articles, headlines, comics, or any other satire your brain had cooked up while you read.
Comment on The Squirrel
Share your thoughts, whatever they may be, with the writers, editors, and creators of The Squirrel.
Join The Squirrel
SU students are welcome to join us on Thursdays at 5:30 pm in Fisher 318.