Susquehanna University's satirical news source
October 31, 2019
SMITH HALL, PA – The environment of the bathroom on the third floor of Smith Hall could not be more
user friendly. Due to a couple dozen instances of flushing objects that should not be flushed, all
women’s bathrooms are now wallpapered with helpful articles and infographics explaining to users how
to properly not flush plastic down the toilet.
“I just don’t understand how these kids could be so fucking stupid,” commented one distraught RA. “Are
they doing it on purpose? Do they want me to have a psychotic episode? I’ll do it! I’ll lose it on them
all!!!” The RA wailed as she was dragged away by public safety. It is reported that she is recovering from
a bout of hysteria in the counseling center. A replacement RA has already been ordered.
Fortunately for the residents of Smith Hall, serious action is being taken. Not so passive aggressive e-
mails must be sent out to all residents every week to remind them that they will all be charged if the
destruction of property persists and that the building supervisor will personally drag each and every one
of them down to hell if they do not cut this nasty shit out. With this encouraging threat hanging over
their heads, as well as the helpful instructions on how to take a shit without ruining the septic system,
one resident comments that they remain optimistic about the future of the Smith Hall bathrooms. “I just
don’t see how it could get any worse, right? Please tell me it’s not going to get any worse.”
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