The Susquehanna University Board of Directors have offered a new solution to hiring full time faculty while saving both time and money. Instead of conducting the lengthy process of interviewing applicants, SU would simply pit prospects against each other in a trial by combat under the new system.
When it was proposed at the last board meeting, the circle of decrepit, white men all nodded their heads and murmured affirmations such as “That’ll teach ‘em” and “Just as God intended.”
“Society is competitive, and we believe this is the perfect system for encouraging friendly competition between colleagues who are real go-getters,” said Board Member Alfrederick Snyderson from his floral-upholstered armchair through a puff of pipe-smoke. “Besides, youngsters these days complain about not having enough money. It’s our responsibility to teach students that you actually have to work hard to get what you want. *cough* And if we thin the job market while we’re at it, I think we can all agree we’re doing what’s best for them.”
When asked for comment, President Green said, “As much as I don’t like it, when those old bastards get an idea in their head, well—” He paused to pop some Xanax he pulled out from under his bowtie. “Y’know, I guess things were pretty cutthroat when I was teaching. You don’t get to be President by being nice.”
“I’ve been trying to get tenure here for 20 god damned years,” said an anynomous, underpaid adjunct, “Do I want to kill someone? Hell yes. Do I want to kill someone for tenure? You’d think all my hard work and credentials would’ve been enough.”
Under the new system, competing faculty can agree to fight to the death in one of three events: Brazilian Jujitsu, Israeli Krav-Maga or naked Greek Pankration.