SU Students: As “hot girl summer” transitions into spooky season, we advise all students to be careful and take safety precautions when walking around at night. Recharged after a summer of cultivating their instagram, this year’s season of VSCO girls have been reported as the most vicious breed yet.
Numerous reports to Public Safety from students walking around alone at night were released to the SU Squirrel this morning.
A victim who filed a report Wednesday night is said to have expressed the following sentiment. “I didn’t see her fuckin’ comin’ dawg. One second I was skating back from the library and the next some chick was holdin’ a metal straw to my throat like a shiv. I swear I almost died,” he choked out.
And these reports are truly no joke. There has been an increase of student complaints about fake tan smell in freshman common rooms. Orange stains permeate the surfaces of tables and chairs in Evert Dining Room. Though this could be the fault of its food, it is unlikely.
The last report noted was filed last night from Thomas Mcflounderfuck.Trembling, he is reported as not being able to form words, but there were legible sharpie marks on his forehead reading the phrase, “AND I OOP.” He looked traumatized. He hasn’t been seen since.
So, if you’re walking back from your lab at 10 pm down Kurtz Lane and you hear a faint sksksk in the distance, don’t look back. Fucking run.