PLS Behave

After the first week of classes, as well as a very useful weekend of basic socialization for

the freshmen, a speech was given by Dr. Keith E. Edwards about how to not sexually assault

others. Of course, this speech was intended for the freshmen who are new to the college

atmosphere and are not yet aware that unwanted groping and/or penetration is, in fact, assault.

Many athletic teams were also mandated to go, most likely because some athletes have trouble

not raping. Reasons for this may vary from increased testosterone to the grind never stopping.

Student athletes have an around the clock schedule and the grind simply does not allow adequate

time for consent. However, Dr. Edwards’ lecture explained how to make time for the word

“yes,” even for freshmen acclimating to the new environment and for athletes who are never

released from the grind’s grip.

However, the necessity for this speech was dubious to many in the crowd. One male

student expressed that the ‘one in five’ statistic for women who are survivors of sexual assault is

exaggerated. Judging by the number of young women who stood up to leave during the speech

due to PTSD episodes, the statistic would have to be more like one in six. Allen Kevin, one

freshman who had just made the football team, said “If I need to get consent even for making out

then I guess everyone I know is a rapist. I guess this is just another thing that people off the grind

won’t get.”

Sadly, later that week an alleged groping occurred in Seibert Hall. The perpetrator is

described as “caucasian, brown-haired, and khakied.” The brunet male student body did not wear

khakis for the rest of that week.