The True Meaning of Halloween
While the true meaning of Christmas has been known since antiquity to be some
bullshit about making other people happy or something, the true meaning of Halloween
has remained elusive. However, recently rumors of its discovery have been swirling
around Selinsgrove. I went deep undercover to investigate.
Pretending I was a real journalist, I started my quest by interviewing random
people on the street. “In hindsight it should’ve been obvious,” said some guy who
claimed to know secret things, “Christmas is all about gifts or some shit; Halloween,
Halloween’s all about that candy, yo. Mmm. And kids, mhm. Kids in costumes. Oh yeah
baby, so good! The candy, I mean. Of course.”
At this point the man began drooling and I decided to leave. But before I left, I
asked him more questions, since I am a good reporter, yes I am. Please give me a
treat, I’m so hungry. They don’t feed me here.
“So basically, it turns out that if you just beat the shit out children, candy falls out
of them. It emerges slowly from each of their seven orifices in a wondrous display of
creation that can only be described as magical. It’s a borderline religious experience,
that first time. It’s clearly a sign: the true meaning of Halloween is beating up kids for
candy. It’s not even about the candy at this point, not anymore. I just feel like it’s my
calling in life now.” At this point he started gesticulating wildly. When he made a noise
that can only be described as roughly akin to the sound of two squirrels hatefucking, I
began to fear for my safety. Then he was hit by a bus and everyone cheered.
Later, I collected several local children in the back of my van for strictly
“It is most pleasant to know that the true meaning of Halloween really was inside
us all along,” said one of the children. I forgot his name, but it doesn’t matter because
kids are barely even people anyway.
When I asked him if he minded being beaten for candy, he lit up a cigarette and
went on a neomarxist screed about the systemic postcolonial hegemony of capitalistic
candy bars oppressing children within the phantasmagoric procession of preadolescent-
postmodernity. I didn’t understand his point, but it seemed to make sense to him so I
nodded thoughtfully before politely kicking him out of my van for smoking.
On my way back to the dorm, I came upon a very sad person. On closer inspection it
turned out to be that one guy who stocks the vending machines. He wasn’t doing much
of anything since the machines were stuffed full of unsold candy.
“Why are you so sad,” said I.
“Fuck off,” he replied before hitting me with a shovel.
When I awoke, I realized the meaning of his words. I knew exactly what the true
meaning of Halloween was. It was unexpected, yet obvious, simple yet sublime. I
P.S. Don’t actually beat up children for candy. They fight back.