6 Steps to Spring Cleaning Like a Badass


It’s that time of year again. Time to put away the seasonal depression that can only be quelled by caffeine

and breathe life into your boring ass room, but don't be afraid. Your big sibling, the Squirrel, who would

never lead you astray, is here to help with your spring cleaning whether you're on campus or at home with

your parents breathing down your neck. Droplets of venom fall from their fangs onto your shoulders like

the skin there has personally offended them. Follow our list of six steps to upgrade your living space from

pigsty to put together.

1. Gather supplies. If you're at home, this might be more easy for you; but we know our folks on

campus aren’t nearly as lucky. Go to your nearest store and get everything you need. As simple as


2. Toss your shit. If you’re anything like us, you are a hoarder. No Jessica, you don’t need that scarf

your grandmother gave you before she died. It's collecting dust in your closet like your

grandmother did well before her death. Your closet still smells like mothballs, you freak! We all

know it does.

3. Set a trap for your roommate. Sure, they’re like family to you. They lifted you up when Jordan

broke up with you after Homecoming and congratulated you when you got that internship you

wanted, but they leave a mess wherever they go. Catch them in the act! Then, drop them like your

Mom did when you were a baby. All you need is a large cage, plenty of duct tape, and Hot

Cheetos from Hawks to lure them in!

4. Sweep up the floor or vacuum the carpet. This may seem obvious. Pretty much a given since a

blood-borne pathogen that leaches to different flooring had wiped half of the world's population a

year ago. Most of your extended family is gone: your cousins, nephews/nieces, and your

aunts/uncles. Don’t worry. As long as you clean thoroughly, you’ll survive.

5. Cry. After all, you have more than enough ammunition due to all the deaths a year ago. That’s the

second best way to combat the pathogen. The salt from the excess of tears will cleanse the

flooring at risk of flooding. It's not very productive, so you probably won’t get much else done.

6. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

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