6 Steps to Spring Cleaning Like a Badass
BY: MALAIKA OLAOYE
It’s that time of year again. Time to put away the seasonal depression that can only be quelled by caffeine
and breathe life into your boring ass room, but don't be afraid. Your big sibling, the Squirrel, who would
never lead you astray, is here to help with your spring cleaning whether you're on campus or at home with
your parents breathing down your neck. Droplets of venom fall from their fangs onto your shoulders like
the skin there has personally offended them. Follow our list of six steps to upgrade your living space from
pigsty to put together.
1. Gather supplies. If you're at home, this might be more easy for you; but we know our folks on
campus aren’t nearly as lucky. Go to your nearest store and get everything you need. As simple as
2. Toss your shit. If you’re anything like us, you are a hoarder. No Jessica, you don’t need that scarf
your grandmother gave you before she died. It's collecting dust in your closet like your
grandmother did well before her death. Your closet still smells like mothballs, you freak! We all
know it does.
3. Set a trap for your roommate. Sure, they’re like family to you. They lifted you up when Jordan
broke up with you after Homecoming and congratulated you when you got that internship you
wanted, but they leave a mess wherever they go. Catch them in the act! Then, drop them like your
Mom did when you were a baby. All you need is a large cage, plenty of duct tape, and Hot
Cheetos from Hawks to lure them in!
4. Sweep up the floor or vacuum the carpet. This may seem obvious. Pretty much a given since a
blood-borne pathogen that leaches to different flooring had wiped half of the world's population a
year ago. Most of your extended family is gone: your cousins, nephews/nieces, and your
aunts/uncles. Don’t worry. As long as you clean thoroughly, you’ll survive.
5. Cry. After all, you have more than enough ammunition due to all the deaths a year ago. That’s the
second best way to combat the pathogen. The salt from the excess of tears will cleanse the
flooring at risk of flooding. It's not very productive, so you probably won’t get much else done.
6. Wash, rinse, and repeat.