A Cry for Help

by: just the absolute silliest of geese, the goofiest of girls

Listen, we’ve all noticed that the vibes are absolutely rancid this semester. There’s no avoiding it. Every single person I know was having their ass kicked by, like, day three. Is this rooted in a bigger issue concerning students being burned out by a school that doesn’t care about them in a capitalistic world that is determined to drain them of every morsel of joy and peace they could ever find? Yes, absolutely! Is this also because everyone I know is gay and/or mentally ill? Also probably yes. However, I do not have the resources to deal with any of that on a broader level, so here we are instead. In lieu of solving capitalism, I propose some potential solutions to fix this semester from hell—or at the very least, to make it a bit more silly.

1. The entirety of Susquehanna University’s student body could band together (unionize, if you will) and force everyone to stop gifting President Green new bowties just to see what he does. My money is on spontaneous combustion.

2. We could construct a giant circular tank in the center of Fisher (aptly named) in place of the pendulum and put in an aquarium. I’m convinced that if I could simulate being taken to the sea every day like I’m a Victorian woman diagnosed with hysteria I would be cured.

3. In the dead of night, we all leave the campus on foot. We march down to Market Street and begin to form a single file line directly in the center of the road. It stretches for miles in either direction. We don’t stop until every single student has joined the ranks. We stand there for hours, for days. Cars honk their horns but we don’t move. News broadcasters shove microphones in our faces and ask why we’re doing this, but we say nothing. We stand there until we all collapse. Then we go back to classes like nothing happened. If ever questioned about it, we briefly stare off into the distance as if haunted by memories of a far-off war only to say “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

4. We put a bunch of mini trampolines all across campus so we bounce whenever we please.

5. We all start training immediately to break the Guinness World Record for number of rubik's cubes solved on a skateboard (500). We have to succeed otherwise we admit some British kid is better than us.

6. Every student comes to a Squirrel meeting and we personally vote on whether you get expelled or if we’re just kinda sick of you.

7. We host a campus wide game of hide & seek and whoever wins gets to keep the Benny suit—if they ever show up, they might stay hidden forever. For all we know they actually fled to Europe.

I’m sure if we really committed to some of these we could improve the quality of life around here. I just need something man, I’m going crazy. Have you seen the ‘air quality research’ tupperware containers on poles in the dining hall? I think those are placebos to convince us they’re not poisoning the air supply—which they definitely are doing. Maybe before we even get a chance to do anything to make this semester better we’ll all collapse and die because of the infected air. We could leave behind a bunch of true crime youtubers who talk about us while they do their makeup and make insensitive jokes. Honestly, it can’t be worse than what’s already going on.