I Fucking Hate It Here

By: Dear God Why

Hey God, I’m actually not your toughest soldier: I’m an overweight lesbian who wants to be a librarian. So why do you insist on giving me these fucking battles? Going without food, constant threat of disease, loved ones dying in wars meant solely to benefit the rich. Sure, some people live like this, but the hallway in North literally filled with piss. Like actual fucking piss.

I was in my dorm when suddenly my nose was assaulted with vile notes of urine. I walked across the hall and there it is, the pile of pee. It was a visible PUDDLE. Not to mention that the hallways are carpeted, which makes this situation instantly worse. Imagine stepping on that carpet after the fact. Squelch.

As you would imagine, I had no idea what to do about this. I looked into the yellow abyss and saw Jesus’s crucified reflection rippling across it. The smell made me very nauseous, and I’m not brave at all about tummy aches. I went downstairs, and my God, it was even worse there. The smell was enough to kill a small bull ox. Apparently the flow of piss and water caused two ceiling tiles to burst, allowing the piss to drip onto the vending machine. Facilities had parted the Yellow Sea and placed buckets on top of the vending machines to collect all of this liquid sunshine.

Someone walked over to the vending machine and tried to buy a Coke. When that didn’t work, they went over to the second machine and bought some piss gummies. They are a brave warrior of the Piss-pocalypse, or perhaps just a stoner.

In this moment, I had lost complete control of my faculties. No matter what comes next, there are no true and good endings. With lost sight, I went back to my pee dorm and listened to Tubthumping on repeat, because if I tell myself that nothing will keep me down maybe it’ll actually come true.

I texted my mom. She said at least it’s not shit. Thanks mom. Please pray for me.

Everytime I use that closet bathroom, I will remember what we have lost and what could have been. God is real and He drowned in piss.