A Non-Comprehensive List of Things We Could Have Done Instead of Firing 18 People Genuinely WTF

By: squirrel hivemind

1. Suck up more to the donors.

2. Write off students as dependents on our taxes.

3. Ask Joe Biden for money. Just call him up.

4. Fraud <3

5. Cut back on landscaping costs. Plant clover lawns instead! Let wildflowers grow! Please for the love of god stop mowing 24/7.

6. Cut the complementary cleaning service for 18th Street apartments. You’re spoiling those full grown adults rotten.

7. Eliminate air conditioning and heating to prepare students for their study abroad experience.

8. Make Prez Green busk on the streets, put that music degree to use.

9. Start customizing the school merch and upselling it on depop.

10. Have the swim team go wishing-well diving.

11. Start an endless livestream of the squirrels on campus and make people pay to interact with them, give them treats, put little hats on their little heads, etc.

12. Set up an underground squirrel fight club and make people pay to watch.

13. Let people pay to adopt campus squirrels the way you can adopt stars.

14. Make the track team run in hamster wheels to power all the buildings.

15. We know the names are different, but the positions’ pay is, frankly, too high. Consider reevaluating this list: