A Petition to Susquehanna University

By: Squirrelphia Congdon

Though the humans of SU may be blind to the tragedies happening under their very noses on this campus, us Squirrels are not. From Kurtz Lane to 18th Street, senseless violence rampages against some of the most valuable members of the student body: the Susquehanna Squirrels. As Squirrels, mostly of the gray variety, we are hit by facilities golf carts, terrorized by ultimate frisbee players, and poisoned by dining hall leftovers (Though these things may seem silly to you, they are killing machines in the eyes of us Squirrels). Sadly, we leave our strongest and fluffiest allies to die cold and lonely deaths, unable to bear the sight of their pain.

This is why I, Squirrelphia, have been elected to represent SGA (Squirrel Government Association) in our call to SGA (Student Government Association) to honor those who have lost their lives on this wretched campus. Specifically, we are asking SGA (Student Government Association) to step in and allocate funding toward squirrel funerals, so that our brethren may rest peacefully for eternity in Squirrel Heaven. The least we can do is honor the Squirrels who have fallen in the heat of battle, protecting the aesthetic appeal of our campus. These brave Squirrel-Soldiers do so much for campus beautification and student mental health; The SGA (Squirrel Government Association) believes it’s high time we start awarding them for their sacrifice.

Us Squirrels deserve the highest honor President Jonathan Green can award, the Tiny Purple Heart, and a miniature 21 gun salute send-off. Our comrades should be buried on campus, so as to facilitate visitation and denote respect. This Squirrel grave yard would be a holy place, where only the most respectful of students could smoke.

If you want to support our cause, help us petition the school by using the hashtag #SquirrelJusticeWarrior and join the ranks of the SJWs.