Alcoholic or Irish?

By: Seamus O’McDonnel

Ah, St. Patrick’s Day, the day where everyone is Irish on their mother’s cousin’s dog’s niece’s side. St. Patrick’s Day is an excuse for college students to drink all day, well all month more accurately. I guess I didn’t realize college students needed an excuse. I’m learning more than I thought I would as an Irish exchange student here at SU.

You’ve heard of some people celebrating their birth week or birth month, well I say we celebrate St. Patrick’s Month and dye beer green and chug whiskey all month long. Cancel classes, we need St. Patrick’s Day break, our Winter break lasted almost two months so why not keep it going? Maybe President Green could kick off St. Patrick’s Month with a jig or two in his leprechaun costume.

Every March 17th we all show our true colors, green, shamrock green, olive green, sage green, emerald green, verde, vert, granny smith apple, mint green, fern green, puke green, seafoam green, Christmas tree, jade, lime, and seaweed green. We dye beer, food, and our hair green. College girls cover themselves in green glitter and wear shamrock earrings, headbands, and pasties. What could be more Irish? Just because actual Irish people celebrate the religious Holiday by going to church, doesn't mean we should. If you think about it, there’s nothing more holy than drinking because it brings you closer to God. If St. Patrick was truly Irish he would want everyone taking shots in his honor. There’s nothing more Irish than drinking green beer out of a shamrock-shaped pint glass while eating corned beef and cabbage.

I’m told we celebrate this Holiday because St. Patrick banished all sin from Ireland, so what better way to celebrate that than a bunch of college students sinning in America? I am a bit confused about that though, have you ever heard an Irish person speak? They can’t go three words without saying “fuck”. I think some sins may have made their way back to Ireland but only the minor ones like swearing like a sailor and alcoholism, so good old St. Paddy did a pretty good job overall.

I’ve been an Irish exchange Student at Susquehanna for a few years now and I’ve got to say, there’s nothing like Americanized St. Patrick’s Day! My mum isn’t here to drag me to church or to keep me from drinking on this holy day. My dad isn’t here singing folk songs at me and my grandparents aren’t here telling me story after story about why we hate the English. So this St. Patrick’s Month make sure to invite me to all your parties, I can and will outdrink all of you! You think American college students drink a lot? I’ve been drinking since I came out of the womb, my mum dipped my binky in whiskey to help me fall asleep. Happy St. Patrick’s Month and don’t forget to invite me to your parties, you wouldn’t want the only actual Irish person on campus to celebrate alone!