Phuck Punxsy Phil’s Capturers

By: J Money Swag

PUNXSY, PA– Groundhogs day is the stupidest fucking holiday I’ve ever fucking heard of. If a groundhog is God, then what am I?!?! Fucking soil. Groundhog’s Day is a drunk fest in the shithole, yee-yee town of Punxsutawney, PA where people spend thousands of dollars on travel expenses, souvenirs with the bitches face on it, and so many other worthless things (besides the food, that’s the only good thing) just to worship a damn groundhog.

Now, I also reside in Central PA, exactly 34 minutes, 25.6 miles, from where this drunken celebration takes place. The traffic? Horrific. The people? Vomiting everywhere. The businesses? Fucking booming. The food? Bussin. The holiday itself? Stupidest fucking thing a dumb fuck could’ve come up with.

Now in my town, there’s very little to do in the whole damn tri state area. So when February 2nd comes around and I want my hotel room with an indoor pool and hot tub and I can’t fucking get it for the low price of $65 a night. I’m fucking pissed. What else can I do? Jump in the shit creek behind my house. NO. I WANT MY HOTEL ROOM WITH THE INDOOR POOL AND HOT TUB WITH FREE ENTERTAINMENT FROM THE PEOPLE SELLING CRACK NEXT DOOR TO ME. IF I GET LUCKY, A FIST FIGHT WILL BREAK OUT AND I’LL BE THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKING EYE WITNESS ON THE NEWS THAT ENTIRE WEEK (actually make that the entire year).

Here’s another reason why groundhogs day is stupid: shine a fucking few lights on the groundhog and he’ll see his fucking shadow. You know what? If I was kept in a cage, forced into getting photos with randos that are drunk and trying to pet me, I’d fucking see my damn shadow too. Fuck you. You’re getting an extra long and cold winter this year.

Not to mention the fact that a scrawny punk ass bitch, that gets drunk from just the smell of beer, will punch you from accidentally spilling a drop (and I mean a DROP) of his beer. Like shut the actual fuck up. I am literally within spitting distance of you and with all this COVID shit going around, I’ll spit on you. No need to get fucking angry from me saving you from that ambulance ride to Penn Highlands which will transfer you anyways. Like don’t be a fucking saltine. You could be the groundhog that they dropped and killed in Staten Island.

I also found out some stupid motherfucker (yes, I’m talking about you Kate Erbland from Mentalfloss.com who wrote a whole article about Groundhogs Day Fun Facts) came up with the idea that Punxsy Phil and his inner circle of 11 men speak “groundhogese”. What. The. FUCK. Yeah, let me just munch on some carrots and then I’ll speak groundhogese too so I can tell you how fucking stupid you are for worshipping a groundhog that’s supposedly been around since 1887. Bull. Fucking. Shit. And this is a thing in other states like New Jersey?! Stupid fuckers.

I don’t have beef with Punxsy Phil, he’s actually kind of cool, I just have beef with the people who decided that domesticating a groundhog in 1887 was a great idea. Like yeah, I may have tried to catch a groundhog here and there too (and I have succeeded in the lawn of my High School), but Groundhog’s Day is a step too far.