He Has Risen, With a Vengeance
By: yuh part two electric boogaloo
After the mall Santa fiasco of Christmas 2021, it is safe to say that all members of Susquehanna’s administration were desperately hoping President Green would not be able to get his hands on another holiday themed costume. Unfortunately, it seems he has done just that. Reports have been pouring in from students claiming to have seen our university’s dear president lurking around the campus at odd hours in an Easter bunny suit. One student said on the matter: “Yeah, at first I thought it was just some furry being weird, ya know? But then I saw the bowtie and I was like…oh shit. It’s Him.”
This turn of events is concerning, to say the least, because apparently none of the other Susquehanna University faculty members were aware that Green had even come into possession of a bunny suit. Pictures have begun to spread across campus of bigfoot-esque sightings of President Green in his suit, one of which depicts a deeply unsettling image of him carrying a comically large Easter basket filled with a frankly ridiculous number of eggs.
Despite campus-wide speculation over what he possibly could have been doing with that many eggs, no one could have predicted the course of events that ensued. President Green has evidently taken to enforcing the new masking regulations in a festive way by throwing eggs at any students that he sees wearing their masks. Countless students have been egged while on their way to class, while walking to get food, while returning to their dorms, and once even while using the bathroom. Everyone is terrified to leave their rooms lest they have a run in with the Easter themed terrorizer.
We tried to chase down our president in order to receive a quote on the situation, but the motherfucker is so much faster than he should be and literally how could we have known he would hop a fence just to get away from us? Anyway, we can only assume President Green’s ultimate goal is to make sure everyone on campus catches Covid so that he no longer has to deal with us or attend any student-run activities just to leave halfway through.
The eggs are not the only holiday themed endeavor Green has embarked on, however. In the true spirit of Easter, our president has prepared a hunt. An email has been sent to all Susquehanna employees informing them that their salaries have been hidden across campus and, if they want to get paid, then they need to find them—à la Easter egg hunt. In a rightly primal display of savagery, all faculty members have been searching ravenously for their money and they have not let anyone stand in their way. Seriously, it’s a free-for-all out there. Eggs are flying, kids are crying, bitches are beating each other up, and we’re pretty sure someone died and President Green stole the body. We’ll report back if the guy wakes back up in three days.
We’ve been told that some of the hidden salaries were found by students before faculty members could reach them, but when they tried to cash the checks in they were told the account had insufficient funds. Go figure. One thing is clear, though: Susquehanna University has officially hit its breaking point.
Artist’s depiction of President Green in his costume because we couldn’t fucking catch him to get a photo.
Illustrated by Amber Watkin
