Ask the Elder Squirrel

Answered By: Sophia Congdon

Billy asks: How do I become the ‘big man’ on campus?

Well Billy, buying stilts might be a good place to start. After that, I suggest meeting with a personal trainer of some sort so you can begin working on getting absolutely fucking jacked. Next, look into getting a personal nutritionists. You know what they say; a daily diet of strictly red meat, protein powder, and ‘roids keeps the doctor away! Finally, the most important part of being the ‘big man’ on campus is kindness. You’ve got to be buff at heart if you want to earn the respect of your peers.

Tivon asks: Is all the money I am paying to susky actually teaching me anything Google can’t?

Tivon, over here at The Squirrel we understand your frustrations first hand. Sometimes, Susquehanna can feel like the biggest joke in the world, and you’re paying $9,000 a semester to hear the shitty punchline. Google offers convenience, while SU offers valuable, real world experience in getting throughly fucked by the chain of command. It’s important that you understand how to untie the noose of red tape that bureaucracy winds around your neck from day one and SU teaches you how to do that or die trying! Due to their dedication to education, deep in our hearts, we all know the answer to this question: absolutely fucking not.

Shane asks: What are those railroad cats planning??

Nothing, why do you ask? The Railroad Cats are benevolent creatures; they protect us from unspeakable evils, forces we mere mortals could never hope to comprehend. They are not “planning” anything, they merely take reactionary measure. Any and all sacrifices are made for the greater good of society, to protect us from that which we created. In that sense, the Railroad Cats are above us. Only they have the ability to judge what is just and what is corrupt. Would you rather the weak be eaten or the world come to a screeching halt? The Railroad Cats must be fed.

Christie asks: Where can I find a new job?

The word on Kurtz Lane is that Penn State is hiring. Pro-Tip: Don’t publicly announce you’re looking for a new job until you’ve actually quit!

The Back of My Mind asks: Where are you going with your life?

So great to hear from you again My Subconscious! You keep me on my toes! In terms of the ever waking nightmare of trying to find meaning in a meaningless existence, I STILL do not have an answer for you. Please feel free to stop asking this question, I get enough of it from our mother! Despite this, I do wish to offer some advice: the only way to know life’s final destination is by micromanaging every minuscule detail until the day you die. Only on your death bed will you be afforded some level of faux-security in the knowledge that you have wasted every second of your waking life (and most of the resting ones) being nervous about that which is outside your control.