AΣO Raises Money for “Hot Single Moms in Your Area” with Haunted Frat House

By Amber Martino

Alpha Sigma Oedipus was originally founded as a service organization, but that fell apart when they realized that they were expected to do community service, and they couldn’t all be “littles” to their patron forever. Earlier this month, though, the organization announced a return to their roots with a haunted house charity event.

“After we had to disembowel our valued member Chad last semester, we really stopped to re-evaluate our values, and we agreed that what’s really valuable is the health and security of our valued single-mother MILFs, the true backbones of society.” said Thad, the AΣO President. “They’re valuable to us, so we value what’s valuable to them”.

The fraternity has been working with the Milton Food Bank to raise money that will go towards providing single mothers in the Susquehanna Valley area with enough food to cook a full thanksgiving meal for their family next month.

Through The Squirrel’s continued reputation as Susquehanna University’s ONLY reputable news source, we were granted a special tour of the haunted house before it opened to the public. “We’d never let some fake news organization like the WQSU News Department in here.” Ghad, an AΣO representative said. “And of course, The Quill is basically satire. We trust you guys to do us justice.”

After this, we were brought to the start of the haunted house, where we were greeted by two brothers dressed in maid uniforms. This was only a preview of what was to come, as most of the brothers inside were dressed as MILFs.

We’d never want to spoil the surprises AΣO has in store, but following are some highlights from the MILF-themed haunted house:

• A MILF in a striped sweater with something my guide referred to as “sounding rods” for fingernails

• A surprisingly curvaceous MILF in a hockey mask carrying a wooden spoon

• A MILF in fishnets and a Jigsaw mask riding a tricycle

At the end of the haunted house, a donation box sat outside the door labeled “MILFton Food Bank”.

“We wanted to highlight the struggles that these women face in their lives” Ghad explained. “Food insecurity and financial instability are serious issues, and our filthy capitalist system just wants to keep them down.”

A resounding chorus of brothers called out “based.”

Ghad repeatedly asked me to emphasize in my article that hoping for sex with these MILFs was not the only reason they were doing this fundraiser. “We care about these women deeply, but if they see all the hard work we’re doing for them and they decide on their own we’re their special little guys, who are we to tell them no?”

A resounding chorus of brothers called out “based.”

“I always knew they were good kids” said President Green, completely unprompted to a student in Evert Dining Hall. “As an AΣO brother myself, I’m proud to see them making a difference where it counts”.