Banana Sized Hole Discovered in EDR Dining Policy

By: Banana Enjoyer

Let’s be honest with ourselves: nobody TRULY understands how the dining system here really works. We swipe our cards and get food like good, obedient, little guinea pigs and continue on with our day(s). Life is honestly pretty good that way for most of us guinea pigs.

However, sometimes the simulation breaks and the lawless light of the dining system shines through into the beady little eyes of an unfortunate number of hungry wretches who are just trying to carry ten bananas back to their dorm from Evert Dining Room at approximately 1:06 PM on a Tuesday afternoon during a crisp mid-September day (actual time and date liable to forgetfulness).

While this may sound like an oddly specific case; it has actually happened to a friend of mine (not me). My friend (not me in any way, shape, or form) was eating in the dining hall, had as much feed as they felt they could have without being judged, and ended up with as many bananas in their arms as they could carry on their way out of EDR when they were stopped by the banana police (BP). The following conversation ensued:

BP: Excuse me.

Me (cradling ten bananas in my arms and trying to act like I don’t know why she’s stopping me): Yes?

BP (staring at the bananas in my arms): Where do you think you’re going with those?

Me (with as much charm as my mother tells me I have): To my dorm?

BP (not buying it): You do know you need a box for those, right?

Me (getting sick of her bs): I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware. May I have a box?

BP (caring way too much about her job): You need to use another swipe for a takeout box.

Me (overlycommitted to the bit and the wants of my stomach): Alright then.

*sets down ten bananas and gives the banana blocker my card*

BP (pissed and returning my card to me): *angry look*

Me (realizing I am now going to starve on this long, cold night): Have a GREAT day. (I did not actually want her to have a great day. Burn in banana hell.)

Dissatisfied with the service given to me (and questioning if I can leave a Yelp review on Deg) my friend (NOT me) returned to their dorm with their bananas and immediately discovered that the susquehanna dining website does not state any policy on take-out boxes or any limits on how many bananas I can walk away with.

So now I say this to you, fellow guinea pigs: must we suffer under a system which is not even defined to us? Must we endure the wrath of that one bitch who takes card swiping too seriously? Should I have gone with the three meals a day plan instead of the two meals a day plan? To all these (except for the last one) I say no! Take all the fruit you can from deg! Fill your bags, hands, and tupperware with glorious food and bring it all back to your rooms! And please credit me with an extra meal swipe: I have been hungry since then on god.