BREAKING NEWS: Elon Musk has seven sons, what’s that about?

BY: Sophia Congdon

Reports are flooding in that The Squirrel has just discovered that Elon Musk has seven sons and zero daughters. They have now decided to indulge in this topic until you’re sick of reading about it. Firstly, here are the facts: Elon Musk has been married 3 times to two different women, had children with his first wife and Grimes (whom he did not marry), and divorced his second wife then remarried her only to divorce her again three years later.

While it is unclear whether these sons were born naturally or IVFed into being boys, one thing is glaringly obvious: Elon Musk is planning a family Hunger Games-style competition for his fortune and also hates brunette women. Upon his death, if he doesn’t succeed in replacing all his fleshy-bits with cyborg parts, Elon Musk will host a tournament in which only the remaining survivor will be granted the privilege of taking over the family blood diamond business.

This tournament will include all the medieval staples such as jousting and sword fights, and will most likely also include newfangled nonsense like deadly laser tag and exploding, self-driven car races. Like the Pirates of the Caribbean at World’s End pirate war but with shitty, self-driving Teslas. Luckily for the current sons, one has already died. For the winner, that’s one down and five to go.

The Musk Dynasty had declined to comment on whether the sons are designer babies genetically chosen to be boys, whether or not Elon Musk had a fetish for blonde women, and what his plans are for divvying up his estate should he fail in bribing legislators into making his Hunger Games legal. Until his death, or until he reveals himself to be an immortal alien sent to enslave mankind, The Squirrel will continue to hypothesize.