BREAKING NEWS: PARANORMAL CLUB DISBANDS*

BY: Sophia Congdon

Last evening, Susquehanna University’s Paranormal Club announced that they would be disbanding. The news dropped after what some are calling “literally the worst nine weeks of my entire goddamn life holy shit someone get me the fuck out of here.”

After being around for, like, at least three years, the Paranormal Club has decided they are no longer needed. When asked for a statement, Former Coven Leader Sabrina stated that “living on campus is already hellish enough, even the ghosts are withdrawing for the semester.”

This sentiment is reflected campus-wide as living (but only just barely) students are also choosing to leave in droves. Despite record-high withdrawal rates, there is somehow still a housing crisis. We suspect that this is due to Weber Chapel ghosts enrolling for shits and giggles.

Whether another group will step up to fill the hole that will haunt our collective-campus-hearts remains to be seen. Reportedly, there are whispers of a slightly more sinister group swirling

around campus.

The Church of Satan has been petitioning the school for rights to practice their religion on campus citing the First Amendment and also calling Rev. Kershner a pussy. We at The Squirrel wish them all the best and kindly ask that they place a curse upon the quill.

*The Paranormal Club has not actually disbanded. Please do not send the Weber Ghosts to haunt us.