Buy Our NFTs Please

By Maya Rudolph

You’ve seen the headlines; the iconic M&M spokescandies have been CANCELED for not being fuckable enough for Cucker Carlsun. That’s right, each and every one of those newly-impoverished mascots has been let go. The stock for Mars Inc.©™® fell fucking even faster than when everyone found out they used child slavery to make their fucksing worthless pieces of ALSO slave-picked chocolate, so without our lovable mascot pals to make bank, we’re relying on the second best thing: digital currency. That’s right, MnM has NFTs now, and if you don’t like it you can simply go fuck yourself (or something else *eyes emoji you know the one* ).

These M&NFTs cost $29,000 each, which is equivalent to three bitcoins and a really shitty handjob. You can only see them chest-up, but rest assured that each M&NFT is wearing high heels on their feminine, feminine feet. Unless it’s a boy NFT, then he wears MUD BOOTS like a MAN. No f**** allowed!

If our pitch hasn’t swayed you, check out what some of our customers have said (using ‘n’ instead of ‘&’, mind you):

There’s really no reason to not buy an M&NFT. But I know what you’re thinking, Riverhawks. You’re poor college students who spent all of your money on food because Evert fucking sucks. Don’t tell Mars Inc.©™® that I said this, but you can steal NFTs. Literally just fucking screenshot them. It’s an image. You can take it just like that. There’s even one in this article, just take a picture of it. It’s so fucking simple even a squirrel could—oh shit, Boss-Daddy Mars Inc.©™® is coming.

May God help us all. Please buy our NFTs.