Conservatives Drag Down the Vibes… Again
By: Sophia Congdon
In a move that surprised absolutely no one, Tennessee has attempted to ruin everyone’s fun and ban freedom of expression all at the same time. This double whammy would criminalize all “adult cabaret performances” that take place on public property or in any venue containing idiots with fake IDs minors. After essentially banning all pride parades forever, Republican legislators reportedly celebrated with lots of evil laughter while rubbing their grimy little hands together as there were no fun bars left open.
Anyone found to be in violation of this law would be charged with a misdemeanor on their first offense and a felony on their second. It remains unclear if this would prevent drag performers from voting as long as they leave the sequins at home when visiting the polls. What is clear is that Tennessee legislators are still struggling with the concept of the First Amendment.
Fortunately, a federal judge has blocked the law from going into effect for just that reason. This absolute slay has temporarily restored millions of Americans’ god-given right to do whatever the fuck they want in their free time. Why Republican legislators feel the need to regulate people’s daily lives continues to baffle most of the nation. However, in a state that currently ranks in the bottom half of K-12 reading scores, it’s no wonder that its “representatives'' managed to misconstrue the meaning of “freedom of expression.” (Who exactly they’re representing continues to remain a mystery.)
The Squirrel decided to brave the stupidity hostility and request a statement on the federal block from Republican Governor Bill Lee (long for Billy, we presume) who replied that “on the DL? We just hate those queers.” A bold statement from the governor of a state containing the city of Nashville. When The Squirrel replied that if Tennessee had a drag name it would be Nashty-ville, no further comment was offered. Luckily, it does seem unlikely that many bitch-ass, snowflake Republicans will survive another climate change-fueled, Tennessee summer.
