Listen Up Furries
By PETA
Listen up furries and fashionistas! You think you’re not hurting anyone when you wear a warm mink coat, but you’re WRONG. The mink didn’t let you borrow some fur all willy-nilly, you fucking STOLE it from them. So, in order to prevent fur theft, here are ten sick eco-friendly fur alternatives.
Faux fur made by cats in sweatshops.
Get butt ass naked, cover yourself in chunky peanut butter, and let a whole gaggle of squirrels cling to you. It will be painful and itchy, but you fucking bet it will be eco-friendly. [Here’s where we would include a coupon for reduced-price JIF Peanut Spread, but Prezzy Green cut our budget after we called his wife gay]
Hamster fur. They will give you that shit for free, which makes it ethical.
Faux fur made by Cats (2019) in sweatshops.
If you ask the Provost reaaaaal nice they’ll give you a sweater made from the Benny suit.
Grow your own fur and turn it into a deluxe luxury-brand.
Frolic in mud until you contract a soft, fuzzy fungus all over your torso and arms. Nice, isn’t it?
Spare the cows by wearing vegan leather! This plastic leather, pleather, is exactly what it sounds like! Mmmm yummy microplastics all over your body. Get it in black and roll around in some white cat fur, you fucking reject.
Sew a bunch of tissues together and call it a coat.
Strip the bark from a stinky ginkgo tree and just wear it, who fucking cares anymore.
Well, there you have it, now you can wear clothes and we won’t call you out on it! Find more delectable PETA content on page 69 where we discuss the inherently unethical nature of puppies just existing.
