Carnival Complaint

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing today as a taxpaying citizen of Acorn Valley Township. As a taxpaying citizen to both the Township and to the larger Skwerelle County, I care to express my deep concern and dislike for the motion recently passed by the HOA allowing the Flips, Tricks, and Circular Dicks Carnival Inc. to set up on the Lewis E. Jenkin Field for Youth Athletics. 

The Youth Athletics Field is not far from my property, and is a favorite spot for myself and for my family. While I might write today as a citizen, I also write today as a mother of five beautiful young boys, and it breaks my heart to think of my babies not having access to the field during the duration of the carnival’s run. How are my sons supposed to get their energy out and practice their almost-certainly collegiate-level soccer skills if there are a bunch of tent poles and elephant enclosures in the way? More importantly, how are my poor, darling, three-hundred month old baby boys supposed to have their diapers changed by their desperate mother if they aren’t shitting themselves by running around the fields all day? Honestly, it’s a travesty. 

Another huge point of my concern is the excessive amounts of noise that have been produced by the carnival’s construction. Hammering, drilling, trumpeting, squeaking, squealing, yelling, public flashing - day in and day out, there is noise coming from that soccer field! How am I supposed to get any sort of peace and quiet with all that insanity coming from this so-called “wholesome family entertainment center”? All I want is to read my Colleen Hoover novels in relative silence, with only the sound of my disappointed husband grunting from the next room. I just want to watch Emerald Fennell’s Wuthering Heights without the sounds of chirping and chittering coming from my backyard. Is that too much to ask?

Also, for another thing, why are all the construction workers squirrels? Not a strongman or a tightrope walker in sight, not even those men with yellow hard hats who always seem to be eating sandwiches instead of working. But squirrels? Those smelly, pointy-eared, demons from Hell? I DEMAND to see these squirrel’s documentation! As a (definitely not tax evading) American citizen, we CANNOT allow these ILLEGAL SQUIRRELS to take jobs away from REAL AMERICANS. 

That is all. Please do not check my tax history. And please, for the love of God and Jesus Christ our Holy Savior, remove that ridiculous show of circus buffoonery from our neighborhood. My husband keeps implying that he is gay and plans to leave me for one of the clowns, and that just might be my last straw. 

Sincerely, 

A very disgruntled mother