Quarterly Town Safety Report

Valued Friends and Neighbors,

Over the past few months, the residents of Acorn Valley have brought several issues to the attention of the Neighborhood Watch. We have since investigated these issues and would like to ease your concerns moving forward.

First, on the matter of lawyers congregating in the woods. Several residents have expressed concern over large groups of people in suits gathering in the woods near the HOA community. They have reported seeing lawyers engaging in a number of strange activities, including but not limited to conducting secret meetings, exchanging folders of documents and cash, excessively pointing at things, and passionately embracing. There have even been a few slanderous reports that the lawyers have been sending money to members of the watch. We at the Neighborhood Watch assure you that these events are of no concern and are in fact necessary for the town’s lawyers to perform their jobs. They are doing their part to uphold the fine legal code of our town, as is the Neighborhood Watch. We are not motivated by profit, only the desire to keep our community safe. Please refrain from future reports on this matter. Any who try to interfere with the lawyers’ business will be shot on sight.

Next, on the matter of the humanoid squirrel that has been roaming the outskirts of the neighborhood. We have received multiple calls describing a creature with a human body but the head, fur, and tail of a squirrel. It has allegedly been hissing at people from the trees and throwing rocks painted like acorns. We at the Neighborhood Watch assure you that these sightings have been fabricated. The squirrel creature is a mere urban legend created by Acorn Valley children and poses no threat to the public. Please do not be alarmed. We will accept no further tips about this case in order to put the rumors to rest. Anybody seen trying to hunt or capture this imaginary creature will be shot on sight.

Onto more pressing matters, a moose has been spotted grazing by the crater. This is a strange and abnormal occurrence and should be approached with the utmost caution. So far, no one has observed any aggressive behavior from the moose, but everyone should be on their guard. Mooses… Meese… Meeses (?) are scary.

Additionally, we urge all parents to prevent their children from engaging in activities such as yelling in the streets, running outside, and causing general disturbances to the peace by engaging in childlike joy. We have received multiple noise complaints, especially due to the running feud between the squirrels and rabbits. The Neighborhood Watch considers this to be a serious matter and a genuine threat to the safety of the town. All HOA guidelines should be strictly adhered to in order to prevent future disturbances. If this behavior persists, it will be punished accordingly.

That is all for this quarter’s report. We will continue to monitor the most severe threats to Acorn Valley’s safety. Consider all other issues resolved. Any who continue asking questions will be shot on sight.

Thank you for your cooperation,

Acorn Valley Neighborhood Watch