Carnival Food Countdown

By: Carnival Freeloader

I’ll be the first to admit: I only went to this year’s Spring Carnival for the food. Rides just aren’t very fun when your friends aren’t there to go on them with you. In that case, eating a shit ton of food that will end in you vomiting it all back up or sitting on the toilet for the next three hours is the next best option. As an enjoyer of (about half of) all carnival food, allow me to waste your time and make you feel insecure in your carnival food tastes by telling you about my top eight carnival foods (because I couldn’t think of 10).

8) Pretzels - The hard ones are better.

7) Candied Apples - Only really liked these for the ‘candy’ part. Then again, the last one I had was long before I realized that apples kinda fuck (figuratively), so maybe my opinion would’ve changed since then if I had one now.

6) Corn Dogs - I still prefer regular hotdogs, but are alright once in a while despite the offputting concept if you think about it too hard. The only way that these can be slightly better would be if the stick was also edible so you don’t accidentally bite down on or deepthroat it.

5) Funnel Cake - The first truly good one, yet is still a pale imitation of the top spot of this list. Better hope it’s not windy and you’re wearing black when eating it or else you’ll get more powdered sugar visibly on you than in you.

4) Cotton Candy - Candy floss, fairy floss, papa’s beard, stoner fleece, Satan’s clouds; whatever you call it, it’s good, simply put. It gets your hands all sticky if you get it in a bag, though.

3) Kettle Corn - I don’t know what about being popped in a kettle that makes it taste so good, but it’s a direct upgrade from regular popcorn in every way.

2) Snow Cones - The next best thing if they don’t have ice cream. Plus, it’s a bunch of ice, so you get to up your water intake at the same time. If only there was a way to keep the syrup from draining to the bottom…

1) Fried Oreos - The pinnacle. The once ordinary Oreo now draped in a regal coat of batter, bathed in a holy golden pool of frying oil to ascend to a form that is nothing short of divine. The only downside is that, like funnel cakes, the powdered sugar gets everywhere if you so much as breathe in the Oreos’ general direction, making you look like you just did the world’s sloppiest line of coke. But it’s a small price to pay for being able to taste this soft, warm, bite-sized morsel of heaven.