Children Deserve Mosquitos

By: A Scooby Doo Villain

I know, I know, we were all kids once. I was annoying, you were annoying, it was all a big awful nightmare of a childhood, but have you SEEN the children around recently? What happened? Who created these monsters?? All I see is screaming, crying, iPad demons. I know I was an iPod demon and Kindle Fire addict personally, but at least I took them outside with me. Neither were as big as my head so I’m also taking bonus points, but what is going on? What happened to the frolicking children who also rolled about the fields? Where is that childhood whimsy that encouraged us to play mermaids and gallop around the yard? It’s GONE.

These kids barely know what reality is, and it’s tragic. I’m convinced they see the world in blocks with the amount of Minecraft they consume on a daily basis. We need to bring them back to the real world. Therefore I believe as responsible, independent adults, that we should send mosquito swarms after the children to remind them of their weakness.

I know we have never gotten along with mosquitos. They tormented us as children as we toasted marshmallows and enjoyed the cool night air, but we had the ability to fight back. Our parents taught us how to frantically swing our arms and beat the shit out of them. This has continued the war that has run for generations and I believe it is time for us to end this war and band together, bring those iPad demons down once and for all. Anyways, the mosquitos are hungry because adults kill them too quickly and kids just don’t touch grass like they used to.

How will they shield themselves? They can wave their iPad through the air but only so many soldiers will fall. Their eyesight is so awful from the blue light that they will barely be able to identify a mosquito from a dust particle, giving our winged-friends the chance to attack. They can’t build towers right under their feet like they do in Fortnite, so how will they protect their blood? Actually, will the mosquitos really want their blood? It’s probably full of microplastics. Instead, with enough mosquitos, maybe they can carry the children away. Where to? That’s for the mosquitos to decide. Probably Ohio.

If they survive we can give them an Oreo I guess.