Sending Your Children To Camp

Dear Resident, 

The staff of Getyourkidsouttathehouse Camps welcomes you to our mailing list! As the summer months approach we know that you are itching for a way to get your kids out into the beauty of nature. Most camps are probably vying to have you send your brat, and cash, to them by highlighting all the great accommodations and activities they provide. Let’s be honest though, you don’t really care what happens to your children at camp so long as they come back mostly alive, and you have the option to settle out of court in case they get cornered in the bathroom by Jerry the Janitor. 

Here at Getyourkidsouttathehouse Camps, we want to appeal to the parents’ best interests! How can our services help you have the summer of your dreams? Here is a list of ideas our staff has compiled in the hopes of jogging those desires for freedom and happiness that you buried the moment your kid popped out! 

Another Honeymoon! Now this may seem obvious, but a second honeymoon can do wonders for a marriage, and you don’t even have to go together! Grab your mistresses and side pieces and head off on the excursion of your dreams! Plan an orgy at a swanky city sex club! Try out some new BDSM moves in the bedroom! Become swingers! The world is your oyster to fuck as long as the Viagra can overcome your antidepressants!

Money Laundering! Listen, raising a kid is expensive, and our camp is too, so perhaps spend some time on that get-rich-quick scheme you’ve been aching to try! Con your elderly neighbor into buying into your pyramid scheme! Gamble your kid’s college education fund—let’s be honest, it can be put to better use—into some high-quality NFTs and crypto! Drug trafficking and money laundering can’t be that hard either, right? I’m sure the local cartel has a part time position for you! 

Divorce! If the second honeymoon didn’t work the last time you shipped the kiddies up to camp, then perhaps it is time to start calling the lawyers. Maybe now you can explain who Aunt Monica really is and why she could only come over when Mommy was at yoga. 

Killing The Family Pet! We know Fido is getting old, guys. Maybe if little Jimmy isn’t around when the needle goes in it will be easier to explain. They’re still young enough to use the farm excuse, right?

Attending The Local Furry Convention As Squirrels! Hey, if the dates match up then why not? 

Participating In The Local Cult Barbeque! We’re sure that they’re actually really nice people, and hosting a summer barbecue sounds pretty harmless, right? Word of advice: just don’t ask what the meat is. 

Becoming A Serial Killer! Has Karen been blocking you at the HOA meetings from putting up that expansion on the kitchen? Did Brad down the street “forget” to give you that IRS letter which was accidentally delivered to his house? Is Aunt Monica actually living across the street? Then perhaps now is as good a time as any to clean up around the neighborhood. Trust us, the brats are the first ones to spill to the police. 

Shitting In Your Neighbor’s Mailboxes! If murder makes you too squeamish, here’s an option which requires less clean-up—on your part at least.

Of course this list is non comprehensive, but that’s the beauty of sending your kid to camp: the weeks of freedom are whatever you make it! The ultimate sandbox awaits! We hope you will choose Getyourkidsouttathehouse Camps to make your summer freedom a reality! 

Best,

Jack Inghoff

Getyourkidsouttathehouse Camps Propaganda Team