The Children Yearn for the Mines

By: Childworker

In a surprise turn of events, Susquehanna University has actually listened to its students' complaints and have decided to expand the walkways a whole two inches in width. That’s a lotta walkway! Now instead of the walkways being 2.3 students wide, they will be 2.4 students wide! This project will also cost about $5 million but don’t ask us where we got that money (as a side note Greek Life is being discontinued and the confines of campus will somehow become smaller).

To nobody’s surprise, SU simply refuses to pay any of their workers to do their jobs (or pay them in general) so we will be “creatively outsourcing the effort” (thank you SWSB for telling me what this means) to stimulate the local economy by creating jobs for the residents of Selinsgrove*.

SU coincidentally is now also offering a summer camp program that will allow you to turn your Screenager/iPad kid/spoiled-little-shit into a source of monetary income! Making a stunning rate of 7.25** an hour, your kiddo will be able to live their Minecraftian/Fortniter dreams and be part of the mines! 

In addition to expanding the walkways, your camper will be helping to build underground tunnels for Facilities so that they don’t run over our students! We’ve heard the complaints on both sides and have decided that turning our facilities staff into Mole Men is a better option than allowing them to deck out their golf carts Mad Max-esque and absolutely smear the shit out of the fucks who make this campus and residence halls a living hell (we like the rich kidz parents’ moneys <3).

Worried about where your camper will stay? Don’t worry! They will all be accommodated exclusively on the third floor of Seibert while we plan on letting the building collapse this summer to get rid of the goddamn education department (President Green will commemorate the tragic accident with a wonderful speech that will cause donors to pay for the emotional trauma of losing your kid). “I don’t have to pay for my child’s food and water, right?” Never fear! We will be giving miners campers a 5-minute break every four hours of the 12 hour workday to drink freshly bottled Susquehanna River water and will be feeding them from the pile of thrown out Deg food we’ve saved throughout the school year!

Want to know who’s running the camp? So do we! We anticipate that the position of camp director will be Democratically forced upon Frank Crofchick and that we can also force some of the freaks from O-Team to come work for free as well (neither of these parties will be properly compensated for the work they do though). 

*children are not technically residents of Selinsgrove we are just trying to get Townies on board with this shit

**YOU pay SU $7.25 an hour to keep your shitmongling child on campus for the summer (we lied earlier :) )