COCA COLA EXPOSED!?!?!?!?!

[This is the script taken from a video that was removed due to an ongoing criminal case involving the bear. However, a lucky squirrel was able to watch the video and write down the script on the back of some chemistry notes found in the trash. Content warning is advised.]

What's up homies, it’s your boy,ThatCocaColaPolarBear67, back with another CrAaAaAaAazy Youtube video!

Today, I have some real beef. That’s right, like the meat and stuff. So let’s get RIGGGGGHTTT into it!

First of all, those fuckers replaced me with AI! That’s right, they thought I wasn’t good enough! Instead of using my brilliance, they replaced me with computer generated bullshit! Those fuckers were LUCKY to have me, and now they throw me away for a polar bear which isn’t even REAL? Insane! Apparently, using real actors takes “time” and “money,” but they have PLENTY of that! The CEO has six houses, while I can barely afford my flat in New York City! 

Not only that, they replaced my friends too! The adorable seals and the penguins in the background of those ads, yeah, they’re gone as well! My one friend, Jeremy, now can’t afford to pay rent! He had a family and children before his wife, Susan, left him for…oops. Sorry, Jeremy. 

As if they couldn’t make it any worse, they did the most terrible, most egregious, most sinful act on earth. Are you ready for this? Because honestly, I don’t think you are. 

They. Fired. Santa.

Dramatic sound effects

That’s right, they fired that jolly son of a bitch! How the hell do you come back from that?? And get this…they replaced HIM with AI as well! I heard when he got fired, he said a couple words that would land children on the naughty list to the CEO before flying away on his sleigh while giving the finger the entire way back to The North Pole. Honestly iconic for him.

Now, I haven’t been back to my great homelands since I moved to NYC to pursue a full-time career in acting, but I’ve been talking to my polar bear friends back at home, and I hear that there is some fucked up shit happening. Apparently, because of the increasing use of AI, bad shit is going into our ecosystem and is heating it up or something. Because of this, my friend’s houses are being destroyed! They’re melting at an exponential rate! Even my mother and my six siblings lost their home!

Now, this situation seems dire, but I have a solution. I realized recently that I’ve been hungry, and that’s not because I can’t afford to eat in NYC, no no. I’ve been hungry for something…special. And that, my friends, is CEO.

That’s right, when I get my paws on the CEO of Coca Cola, I’M GOING TO-

[The rest of this clip was censored due to the squirrel getting bored of the polar bear’s ranting and started reading the chemistry notes.]

Anyways, thank you to everyone who watched this month’s video!

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See me in the next one, “I MURDERED THE CEO OF COCA COLA?! (NOT CLICKBAIT)”