Let Men Be Slutty Too!

by The Real Feminist

Slutty armor on women has been the staple of video games and anime for years now. The quote, “She breasted boobily down the stairs” from the r/menwritingwomen subreddit, echoes in my mind when I think about it. Gender is after all only a performance, and the only performance they have been playing in these mediums are scantily clad. The “feminist” in me initially rejected the chainmail bikini that is ever present.

The bisexual in me has some very… different thoughts. I realized the answer to this feminist condrome isn’t to make women's armor more practical. It is to make men’s armor cover less. Sure, side boobs are great, but we are severely lacking in the slutty men's armor category!

How on earth does that actually protect women in war? Wouldn’t the armor plate dig into your ribcage? It’s giving… wearing heels when you're riding a horse for the aesthetic. That can’t possibly make things easier!

Every time I see men's armor, there is always full body coverage. Like, am I asking too much to see some ankle? Where are we? Victorian England?

And seeing their face outside of a full face mask is like pulling teeth. Video game designers keep men’s faces covered so players can insert themselves into the character, in more ways than one, but we could do so much better than that.

The key to designing slutty masculine armor is to not leave anything to my imagination! How about a small metal loin cloth that just barely covers up their unmentionables? Ass out is optional (but definitely encouraged). Chest on full display or something that hugs their huge man titties…. Sorry I had to wipe some saliva off my face…. Maybe some armored shoulder pads, so they look big and beefy. Long, flowing Fabio hair. It could definitely be pulled, making them vulnerable to— Stop, stop. The goal is to not think rationally.

Imagine a battlefield… Everyone's all sweaty. The hero receives a blow from the enemy, a single slice to the corner of their lip. It doesn’t damage their face too much, so they still look hot as they lay dying. “Whore-acio!” Hammy, his fellow warrior, calls out with his sword high in the air ready to strike. After making quick work of the enemy, he sinks to the floor beside his dear friend. Historians would say that they are best friends, like “Hammy would die of a broken heart a year later” kind of friends. Hammy presses his beefy man titties against Whore-acio’s as they look at each other with so much platonic love. Their metal loincloths touch as their lips press against each other—as friends—with Whore-acio’s last dying breath….

Woah guys, that sent shivers up my spine!

Anyway, I love men. And the best way to show my appreciation for them is to advocate for their right to be slutty while they cosplay. (Slutty Willy Wonka took it too freaking far.)

Here’s some concept art that I’ve been working on. I know it’s good, but you guys can create something so much better.

P.S. If you have some more visual ideas, maybe drawings or cosplay, email me at Letmeseeyourbits@gmail.com.