A Step-By-STEP Guide to Doing Your Own Laundry

By: Your Step-Dad

Hey pal! Semester’s almost over huh? Your mother and I can’t wait to see you, but please feel free to stay at school an extra day or two as we’re currently renovating.. We’ve turned your room into an office but don’t worry, the couch is super comfy—I’ve checked. Anyways, please make sure you don’t come home with all your dirty laundry. Your mother is otherwise preoccupied and I’m not going to do your dirty work for you. To help you, I’ve created a STEP-BY-STEP-guide from your STEP-dad :)

1. Wear more clothing

To do laundry, you first need to create laundry. Don’t be afraid to change your underwear every now and again. If your socks are stale: it’s probably a good time to get another pair.

2. Bring your laundry to the laundry room

Look, it's okay that you don’t get along with anyone in your res hall but you have to accept the fact that you’re the problem. Leave your room. It’s okay.

3. Put as little laundry in the machines as possible

Little known fact: the less laundry you have in the washing machine, the cleaner the clothing gets. (Plus, as a bonus, you get to take up more washers!)

4. Never set an alarm

The laundry cannot move and will not go anywhere (this does not apply to your favorite socks). And if someone sets your wet clothes on top of the washer, it’s perfectly okay to get irrationally angry and confront them directly about it.

5. Always dry on low, don’t even start the dryer

Pros: less environmental impact

Cons: multiple cycles,(your peers will LOVE this)

6. Your mother and I are getting a divorce

Sorry to break it to you this way bud, but we just don’t have the same spark anymore and it's because of you.

7. Don’t get your laundry for a few days

You’ll come to learn that in any relationship; sometimes you need a little space. Since you’re so close to your clothes, give them some time to think about how they feel about you and let them stay in the laundry room for a while. Washers and dryers are the equivalent of hotels for clothes. Sometimes you need space, like me and your mom.

8. Leave your laundry in the basket

Especially if you put your dirty laundry on top. It’ll be like a fun little mixer between your clean and dirty clothes. You might even get a surprise that you call son!

Somewhere along the clothes-line, the love started to smell like your laundry: week-old fish. I would say “see you at home,” but your mother kicked me out; don’t worry she’s taking my dogs too. See you two Sundays from now in a Wendy’s parking lot with your mother’s child-support which I am legally prohibited from physically giving to her unless I can throw it no less than 500 feet. You’re going to kill it on your exams!

I want my dogs back,

Gary