Dear Debra

Hello my lovely readers! Thank you all for submitting your questions! I’ll be answering them now! If your question wasn’t picked, it either sucked or I’m saving it. In a frame. On my wall. For a future article.

Dear Debra,

My husband doesn’t love me anymore. He says that my baking is so bad he can’t “get it up.” What should I do?

Sincerely,

Distressed Baker

Hello Distressed Baker! Based on the crushed up cupcake you sent along with your letter, I don’t think your baking is the issue; it was delicious. I think your husband might have Yeastile Dysfunction Disorder and is having difficulty with his dough rising in the oven. Don’t let him push his insecurities onto you! You two should talk to a bread doctor and see if you can find a new yeast recipe that’ll really get his dough going.

-Debra

Dear Debra,

My husband insists that I dress like Squirrel Girl whenever we have sex. At first I thought it was just his most recent comic-book crush, but after seeing his playtime in Marvel Rivals and his keybinds being set to exclusively his mouse, I have my concerns. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Squirreling Around

Hello Squirreling Around. It sounds like your husband is beyond saving. While there are clearly deeper issues, they cannot possibly be your fault. You should demand that your husband also has to dress up and make him be The Human Torch. If he doesn’t light himself on fire for you, he’s irredeemable. You should take his ash to court and divorce him.

-Debra

Dear Debra,

My loving wife and I have recently opened a practice together! However, since there are already so many lesbian-owned practices in Acorn Valley, we have barely gotten any cases since everyone represents themselves in 63% of this town’s cases. Our failing practice is taking a toll on our marriage and I am unsure what to do.

Sincerely,

Yes We’re Both Women

Hello Yes We’re Both Women! My wife almost left me when I started doing my advice column because I only wrote about the unhappiness in our relationship. Rather than talk about it, she sued me for libel. When I won the case, she stopped complaining as I dismissed the prize I was awarded from her and we’ve been happily separated in our own house since then. I think your wife just misses working the courtroom with you. Do WHATEVER it takes to get more cases for your practice so you two can reignite the fires in your soul via tedious legal work.

-Debra

Dear Debra,

What is the meaning of life?

42.

-Debra

Dear Debra,

What happens when you hit a squirrel while driving?

Sincerely,

Asking For A Friend

Hello Asking For A Friend! It was not Man but Squirrel who was made in God’s image. Repent.

• Debra

Dear Debra,

How do I pay off my student loans in this economy?

Sincerely,

Overmedicated and Broke

Hello Overmedicated and Broke! Quite frankly, the economy is designed to keep you in debt and make you continue to pay for your “higher paying job” that you were told was going to be really cool and shiny and important. You should’ve sucked up your pride and been a plumber to immediately start making bank and protect your job security. Eventually, the need for office workers will end but everyone’s toilets will still clog. And you will be there to plunge and reap an absurd hourly rate.

Dear Debra,

If 33X+1789=22X+69, what is X equal to?

Sincerely,

Quick, My Homework is Due Soon

X=156.36

• Debra

Dear Debra, 

How do I make my parents love me?

Sincerely,

Unloveable

Hello Unloveable! I’m so sorry to hear about your predicament! Maybe you should open up to them more and communicate better. Because you sure as hell gave me nothing to go off of. Consider having more to offer in way of personality and you can be the favorite child in no time. Animal Crossing does not count as a personality.

• Debra

Dear Debra,

Why does the job market suck rn?

Sincerely,

Major Whose Job is Being Replaced by AI

Hello Major Whose Job is Being Replaced by AI! Womp womp. Should’ve picked better! It’s been highly evident that the fucking nerds in charge value technological advancement and profits over the well-being of everyone else in this country since the iPhone was unveiled. The best thing you can do is accept every cookie on the job recruitment websites and hope those will feel like you’re actually eating a cookie.

• Debra

Dear Debra,

How do I kidnap Roger the Kiwi from the library, without being caught?

Sincerely,

Prospective Birdnapper

Smash and grab. What are the desk jockeys gonna do? Run after you?

• Debra

Dear Debra,

What’s the secret to crystals? Why do shiny rocks make me feel good?

Sincerely,

Child Who Had Brain Replacement Surgery With A Crow

Hello Child Who Had Brain Replacement Surgery With A Crow. I think you should ignore the weird looks you get by picking up shiny rocks with your mouth and keep grabbing them. You should put them in your sheets, in a circle, and nest at night. I think this will help ease your confusion and feel natural for you.

• Debra

Dear Debra,

I’ve been feeling really conflicted. Any advice?

Sincerely,

Not Helpful

Hello Not Helpful! While I’m not really sure what you’re feeling conflicted on because your question fucking sucks, might I recommend acquiring a feeling of being afflicted or inflicting something upon someone else? Could the cause of your confliction be resolved by being flict in a different manner? Please try an affliction of the mind and inflicting something on someone else and write back. I am very invested in your story.

• Debra

Dear Debra,

What am I doing wrong?

Sincerely,

Wrongdoer

Hello Wrongdoer. Your question sucks. That’s what’s wrong.

• Debra