Acorn Valley Horoscopes April 24

Hello one and all and welcome to Agatha Winthrop’s Horoscopes! Whether you know everything about astrology or nothing at all, I am here to give only the most accurate readings of horoscopes to the wonderful residents of Acorn Valley.

Aries: Watch out for millennials this week, you might have the urge to wander into funky burger joints but I advise against this. You may be experiencing some financial difficulties this week, so bad overpriced food should be avoided at all cost.

Taurus: This week isn’t a bad idea to potentially come back to old projects you’ve put off for a while. Welcoming creativity to come back into your life can do wonders to keep the voices at bay

Gemini: Please keep your 20 different personalities at home when you go out in public, as you might attract some unwanted attention from the local squirrels. I understand you have princess energy and can call animals to your will, but for the love of god no one wants to see it. (I’m looking at you Debra)

Cancer: I see a slightly agitating week ahead of you. Remember not to push yourself too hard and to take breaks as this might be an emotionally taxing week. Take some time for yourself to recover.

Leo: Keep a pocket mirror with you at all times because you are going to look absolutely flawless. Just make sure not to see your reflection in the lake or you may mysteriously go missing.

Virgo: Avoid being outside past 3 am for fear you might get ambushed by angry raccoons. Your energy will throw off the carefully balanced chaos that naturally comes with raccoons and they will turn feral. You have been warned.

Libra: I would stay away from wheels this week as you are more prone to breaking a bone and if you’re feeling like going to The Old Nut this week, just don’t. Do you really want your bones to be run over as you lay helpless on the floor? I didn’t think so. 

Scorpio: I would totally embrace your weird energy this week. Bring back your childhood whimsy and just completely cover yourself in mud or make a fun potion out in the woods.

Sagittarius: You are going to come into a weird amount of money this week. You may want to call your bank as you might have gotten hacked, or there is the potential you will get a call that you’ve suddenly came into a large inheritance. 

Capricorn: I see some conflict in your life this week. If you have some complaints you want to air with either your boss or the president of your HOA, this is the week to do it. Just be careful that you bring this conflict to the right person or you will be shunned from society and be forced to leave the valley for the rest of eternity.  

Aquarius: In contradiction to Aries, you should embrace millennials this week. You might get approached to join very interesting business ventures and I highly advise that you take it. People around here talk about these “multi-level marketing schemes” but they’re a load of bullshit and don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

Pisces: Believe it or not, this week will finally be the week you make a sound and solid decision. This might be scary for you as this really isn’t your strong suit, but I believe that you will make the correct decision when choosing what high school you’re going to root for. GO SQUIRRELS!