Diary of a Wimpy Kid: My first blowie
By: Gregory Michael Heffley
November
Thursday 12:30 P.M.
Ah, this shit again. Personally, I thought my mom would stop buying me journals, but I guess Barnes and nobles takes groupons. At least you’d assume she’d stop after dad left her for the mailman. Anyways, I’m getting off track. Today is “thirsty Thursday,” a day in which kids like to go out and drink like it’s the civil war. I heard that this one frat is throwing a party tonight, which I’m absolutely gonna crash. I’ll be the life of the party! I can’t wait to listen to “Party Rockers” and “Last Friday Night!” Guess I'll update you a little later!
Thursday 5:30 P.M.
Just finished up all my homework. Pretty excited about that. You know, whoever said being a business major was hard, must have had a few screws loose, cuz that shit was easy, dawg. I heard the party is getting started around 9, so I'll have to make sure I’m ready for this shit. I was actually thinking about bringing some condoms. My dad always said, “be careful son. You never know when the waterfall will run.” I miss dad.
Thursday 8:50 P.M.
It is 8:50. Pink Whitney.
Thursday 9:10 P.M.
Ok, so we have a little bit of a problem. So, this frat is only letting women in. I’ve tried to sneak in a few times but they keep kicking me out. This seems counterproductive if you want a banger party. Why would they only be letting women in? Like, they keep waving women in and stating that “that one’s mine.” Must be feminism. NO FUCKING WAY. I didn’t recognize his tubby little ass, but I’ve heard that phrase a thousand times… “ZOO WEE MAMA, YO ASS SO PHAT WE SHOULD CALL YOU THICC BENNY.”
It’s Rowley… he’s… he’s… in a frat?!?
Thursday 9:45 P.M.
Okk. I aam how’d yous say, a bit white squirrel wasted. Rowley luckily let me in. He said something along the lines of, “no way gag hefty is gonna steal any of the pussy.” Wjay a nice gay<3! Whatever they put in the drinks here, it is making me feel all silly goofy. I can’t wait to see whaz nects!!!
Thursday 10:05 P.M.
Some guy just offered me coke.
Thursday 10:25 P.M.
Oh my fuqking shit guys! This gurl is all over me. She’s had like 4 truly’s and can’t stop complimenting me! She kepss asking if we can go somewhere private! I’m so excited! Ive never had anything like this happen to me in high school. Looks like everyting is cumming up Greg!
Thursday 11:35 P.M.
I have a problem. She’s been trying to suck me offf for like, over an hour and she’sgetting nowhere. To be honest, its probably my fault. You see, I wasn’t able to get hard or anything. I've heard that can happen when you're really drunk. Maybe it's that. She’s ben acting all sexy, doin cewl dances and shit, but nothings working. Maybe, if I think hardddddddddd enough, it’ll happen.
Thursday 11:36 P.M.
I began thinking about the time I got my penis stuck in the family Hoover vacuum cleaner. Oddly enough, it worked out! Now, I’m hard! Only issue is she seems kinda mad. I think a bit of her hair is stuck in the rings of my notebook. Not my fault she has long hair. She should’ve expected me to use her head to prop my diary up! Why wouldn’t I write about my first ever blowjob as it actively happens! I’m gonna be famous one day, and people will need to know this stuff.
Oh god, oh shit, Like, shes been using a lot of teeth and stuff. Maybe that’s the way they do it at college. Teeth-jobs!
Friday 3:02 A.M.
I think I’m attracted to Hoover vacuum cleaners.
