Dude, like oh my god, can we talk about the political and economic state of the world right now?

By: Jaden Smith, probably,

Campus is in turmoil today as students are realizing that they didn’t study for the midterm elections, and probably should’ve. One business student stated “fuck, I didn’t realize I was gonna need to know the candidates, I just thought I could kinda fill in some circles, that’s what I do on every test, and I; still get an A.” What spurred the disarray was a reminder to vote sent out from the HawkHub’s email account, with many students first assuming that it was one of the many phishing scams sent out this fall. However, after a brief statement from Tyler Loewe stating “it wasn’t me this time guys, I promise, I don’t click on anything anymore,” campus quickly realized that the reminder to vote was no joke, and that elections are rapidly approaching. “I’m fucked” one student said, “I don’t even know who’s running! Is it Biden again?” If this describes how you feel, not to worry. Fortunately, The Squirrel managed to speak to several clubs on campus to learn who they are endorsing for PA State Governor.

CryptoHawks has been communing with the ghost of Andrew Yang (rest in peace), and despite Andrew Yang (rest in peace) being very much alive and not from Pennsylvania, CryptoHawks has decided to vote “Yang Gang all the way baby.” During this interview with CryptoHawks, The Squirrel tried to bring up several times that Andrew Yang (rest in peace) is not eligible or running, but each time we were told to “shut up you femoid.” The SU Equestrian Team has, once again, decided to vote for the horse, and informed the Squirrel that “he’s been reminded that if he doesn’t win, it’s the glue factory for him.” The SU Sustainability Club has decided to endorse “Climate Change” for PA Governor, in what we hope was just a typo in the email they sent us.

In a shocking turn of events, the Frisbee Team has come out in support of The Squirrel for PA State Governor, probably cus they’re such dirty little cucks with a degradation kink (did that make you cum you frisbee sluts?). Meanwhile, the Student Library Advisory Committee refused to give an endorsement, saying “fuck the government, it’s time for the revolution” while building a fort in the library archives made from stolen copies of The Anarchist Cookbook.

As for the Political Organizations, SU Republicans used their interview with us to deny the claims of them cumming in pillows, but it is important to note that the members showed up to the interview holding wet pillows, each with an ahegao depiction of former U.S. President Ronald Reagan. They also would like to make a plea for their cardboard cutout of Ronald Reagan to be returned to them, with one member of exec stating “it’s the one with the hole in the crotch, we need it for our next meeting” tears in eyes and dick in hand. Although SU Republicans denied the claims of cumming into their pillows, SU Democrats made a statement saying that they want to enable the SU Republicans to express their sexual needs in a healthy way, positing “I’m just so proud that they aren’t beating random women on the street anymore to get off, our little semen demons have cum so far”. Neither organization would give the SU Squirrel a clear endorsement for a candidate, leaving us to wonder what they do as clubs, and if they know who the gubernatorial candidates are.

President Green was unable to make a statement on his endorsement for Thicc Benny as he has recently caught Rabies and is not seeking medical treatment.