Elf Union Strikes A Nerve

By: Sophia Congdon

NORTH POLE

As of today, hundreds of thousands of Christmas Elves have gone on strike. This is not to be confused with the other kinds of elves: cookie baking, shelf sitting, and hot, Orlando-Bloom lookalikes. Last month, the Christmas Elf Union made a list of demands which Santa Incorporated and his workshops have failed to meet. This list of demands, which was crafted lovingly and packaged up with a bow, includes holiday and overtime pay, safer working conditions, and requested time off for Hanukkah. Reportedly, Santa Inc. has refused to acknowledge Hanukkah as a legitimate winter-time holiday and also criticized the elves’ decorating prowess. Both statements were met with outrage.

While these demands seem reasonable, a representative of Santa Inc. responded that “Santa’s workshops have the lowest rate of workplace injury in comparison with other Elf-employed, Christmas-time workshops.” Unfortunately, Santa Inc. has refused to release their workplace injury reports to the public (or specify what other Elf-ran, Christmas-time workshops exist), so we will have to just take their word for it. It is important to note that the Department of Labor has filed several claims against Santa Inc. workshops for violations of child labor laws and child endangerment. We suspect they have been classifying children by height rather than age.

When questioned about unsafe working conditions, a recently deceased OSHA inspector claimed that “Santa’s workshops are paramount to old-timey sweatshops. We’re talking Triangle Shirtwaist Fire levels of workplace endangerment and neglect. It’s only a matter of time until there’s an accidental massacre.” Santa Inc. has refuted these claims and also quite possibly killed that OSHA rep. Furthermore, Santa Inc. has refused to acknowledge the Christmas Elf Union at all, claiming that “there’s a 48 inch height requirement to start class wars.”

This anti-short speech is pervasive throughout all of Santa Incorporated’s statements. When questioned about this belittling rhetoric an Elf Union Rep stated that “all these height based insults are pathetic coming from a 5’9” man with a serious cookie problem. He literally works for one day a year. Someone needs to cut him off at the knees, then we’ll see who’s really the short one.” Santa Inc. responded to these assertions by claiming that “Santa is basically 5’11” which is basically 6’, if that even matters. He has a great personality and that’s what counts you short, shallow bitches.”

While many believe that government intervention is necessary, it doesn’t look possible. Obviously, the US government called dibs on micromanaging this global crisis, and as the fore-leaders of the current neoliberal-hellscape, no one disagreed. However, it is looking unlikely that any legislation will be passed as the Pro-Santa Lobbyists have been lining Republican’s pockets for decades. What we do know is that this will not affect consumer’s Christmas shopping in the slightest due to bitches crossing the picket line and a new partnership with Amazon.