Fashion & the Climate Crisis: A Modest Proposal

BY: Girlboss Exa Dark Sideræl Musk 💅

I’ve always imagined what I might feel if I were the trolley driver in Philippa Foot’s ♀ 👑 famous 1967 thought experiment. Have you heard of it?

Well, obviously, I would never drive myself anywhere—but looking at the Earth in our modern “crisis” of climate change has made that fantasy a reality.

Everywhere I look, I am torn between pulling off the most slay outfit ever, thereby flexing my innate moral superiority (💰💰💰) on the poors, and giving a damn about someone who lives in Vietnam and is barely worth the 20 cents my daddy pays them!! They’re poor for a reason — just budget better! 👏 It 👏 isn’t 👏 that 👏 hard 👏 girlies!!

As a little girlboss, 💅 Daddy taught me that any problem can be solved with some intellectual prowess — and so now, as a Harvard-educated young professional with a small loan of a million dollars, 💰 I believe the answer is simple: we wait.

The climate is changing; this is undeniable. With rising global temperatures and more frequent “natural disasters”, 🧐 the global community will face many, many problems. In fact, I estimate in my lifetime to see several meters of sea level creep. Hello, beachfront property! 🏄

But what are all those boss babes in Daddy’s Vietnamese factories going to do, you ask? Fucking drown is what, and they’ll cover up their dirt, poorness, and moral impurity with their bloated, rotting corpses 😇 — a monument to their inability to pull themselves up by their bootstraps out of their own failure. Good riddance. 🥳 The only downside I see here is that I will no longer be serving straight looks, 😫 which I “accomplish through their oppression” or whatever. 🥱

Actually, I lied. Another bummer about this whole thing is that, with no more dirty little hands to construct my brand-name clothes (a necessity of the manufacturing process), I won’t be able to tell who is good and whose family is a failure! 😞 And how could I? When the impure lowlands are flooded by the rising tide, all the decent brands will lose their factories and go out of business. Won’t somebody think of the rich white men? 🥺

But never fear! Daddy has an answer for that! We’re launching a new outfit for a climate changed earth, debuting Spring 2030!

Just look at what a cute fit this is, besties!! 😍 🤩 The large white bib will catch any extraneous radiation particles after the nuclear reactors melt down, and the fashionable air filter, which will only cost $99.99/month ($199.99/month for the version that filters out virus, bacteria, and radioactive contaminants), protects your beautiful face from dust! Be careful not to miss a payment, girlies, or the filter will be remotely turned off. Oopsies! 🤭 The suit has a hood and goggles — not included — and thick-soled, waterproof boots — also not included 😭 🤑 — for traversing the soon-to-be prevalent wetlands strewn with dangerous rubble under the mud. Daddy’s new integrated FashLife Support™ technology (Fashion Life Support, sillies 😜) will allow you to spend 2 WHOLE HOURS every 14 days outside your concrete–reinforced, lead–lined bunker at a time. Imagine that! 🤯 Presales are up and going fast, so grab one now for only $39,999.99 not including shipping and handling, air filter, hood, goggles, or boots! 💖💖💖