Finals Week Horoscope
By: Sophia Congdon (Aries sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn rising)
Wondering what finals week has in store for you? The stars have all the answers, just don’t use them for academic dishonesty.
Aries: You will arrive to your final exam late. Your professor won’t let you take the exam. Your jaw will unhinge and swallow the professor whole.
Taurus: You will move out with a sense of serenity. You will float back to your hometown on the coattails of the Cumulonimbus Sky Whale.
Gemini: Your professors will submit your grades earlier than expected. All comments on your work will be in ancient elvish, study up.
Cancer: Your journey home will be full of twists and turns. Mind your manners when you encounter the Turnpike Troll.
Leo: Your end of semester party will get busted by P-Safe. They will burn your building to the ground and ask you to rebuild it using river rocks and marshmallow fluff.
Virgo: Stop buttering your garlic bread on only one side. Stop neglecting the bottom side of the bread of life. Flip it over and butter that bread.
Libra: Turn around and start walking. Do not stop until you are sufficiently far from my presence. I never want to see you, or any other Libras for that matter, again. All you do is ask for advice, run your mouths, and ignore reality. Well I’m done; you can take your idealism and shove it up your ass for all I care.
Scorpio: President Jonathan D. Green will wake you up in the middle of the night. Take notes, you will be testifying against him in court soon.
Sagittarius: While packing, you will discover a dusty victorian ring. Leave it be, for it is cursed.
Capricorn: You will me trampled by Susquehanna University’s herd of pregnant miniature ponies.
Aquarius: Turn around. Turn around again. Turn around again. Wind yourself up like a top and ascend.
Pisces: You will sleep through your finals. Make sure to enchant the Dean so you still make the Dean’s List.
Full moon in Scorpio on April 27th
Mind your fucking business.
New moon in Taurus on May 11th
Expect the great cow in the sky to sit on your chest. Please bring him apples to munch on.