Fine. You Win. We’ll Talk About Straight People For Once
By: Gays4WorldDomination
It has come to our attention that some people think we’re ‘gay’, which ‘alienates readers’. Why do they think that, you ask? Well, we’ve been talking about gay people a lot in our articles and excluding our dear straighties along the way! And, for that, we might apologize. Maybe. If we get to it.
We’re not exactly sure why you would turn to us for representation in the media, but The Squirrel is the only reputable source on campus so we appreciate the thought. Not really though because why would we care what you think? We aren’t going to change literally anything about what we do, like, ever.
This alienation is just one step of our multi-level marketing plan to overtake all media and make it gayer than a corporation’s logo in June, but don’t despair! You aren’t losing everything! We are willing to compromise and allow straight people to keep some of their beloved cultural institutions like:
John Deere
Riverdale
Golf (minigolf for the gays)
My Lesbian Aunt
Couples counseling where the guy doesn’t believe he needs to change
Revenge Porn
Fantasy Football
Gender reveals that destroy things
Youtube breakup videos
Andrew Tate
James Cordon
“I’m not like other girls”
Family youtubers
Changing pronouns in songs so you don’t sound gay (I’m looking at you, Michael Buble)
Hating your spouse
Pregancy reveals that are somehow sexual
Baby onesies that say shit like “I love boobies” but only if it’s a boy baby wearing it
Toddler Beauty Pageants
Gay and homophobic celebs (Trisha Paytas, James Charles, Frankie Grande)
Youtube pranks
Perez Hilton (NOT Paris Hilton. She’s for the gays)
“I’m not gay but…”
the quill
The PTA
Hallmark movies
Being unvaccinated
Controlling what your spouse can wear and who they can talk to
Hating female comedians
See? You still have a lot of things in your corner! You can stop bugging us to talk about you! I hate to break it to you though, but there are some things you will never get back. For example, hot dog eating contests. Have you ever seen a woman in a hot dog eating contest? Thought so. It's always just men stuffing their faces with wieners. That’s by definition gay.
Or even home improvement stores. As we all know, lesbians love Lowe’s and homos love Home Depot. Sorry to fathers everywhere but youre buying lumber in gay stores.
Ok so maybe these things would never actually be taken over by gay people but at least you have written assurance of the lack of malicious intent The Squirrel has for straight culture (NOTE: This assurance is not legally binding. The Squirrel does not take responsibility for gay people’s decisions in the case of world domination.) So, in the words of DW from Arthur, “Why don’t you go back to your own house and stop bothering us!”
